Friday, 5 July 2013

The truth

"No one's center is like someone else's. Find your own center, not the center of your neighbor; not the center of your father or mother or family or ancestor but that center which is yours and yours alone."

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Friday, 28 June 2013

My first spanking party

Sometimes I love where I live. I find two skirts in a renowned local charity shop. £2.99 each. I say a silent "hooray" for the patronizing woman in the vintage shop who wouldn't drop the price of a navy wool pencil skirt from £45 to £40 (honestly). To think I'd nearly spent £40 when I got two skirts for £5.98.

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Thursday, 27 June 2013

Therapy is good

Deirdre kicks my head back into shape. 

It was such a mistake cancelling my appointment with Deirdre my therapist last week. I might have avoided days of tears and grief. Perhaps not quite, as grief is something you have to go for, but there's healthy grief and unhealthy grief.

It had been feeling as though something had died. Really, it was that bad. Sitting in a flood of tears in her consulting room, I manage to get out: "It's like the whole time I was with Virgil I was clinging on to him as though he was a rock in a black, stormy sea. I hadn't been feeling right or good about myself and what I was doing with my life for years. I hoped he would be my saviour from myself, my darkness."

I think of an old painting I once saw of shipwrecked sinners saved by Jesus as they clung to the rocks.

Deirdre has a more tropical picture in her head but it's a good one. She says: "So, it's like you're a castaway on a tiny desert island. You've got just enough to stay alive although you're sick of having the shits from drinking coconut milk and only having fish to eat.

"You have to choose between staying on the island, where you're not happy, or striking out into the water. You don't know what will happen to you. Will you find land, or a ship, that takes you to another island, and then to the mainland and then to a city and an airport and finally a plane that will bring you home?"

Loving the analogy, I moan and laugh at the same time: "But the island looks so safe after I've left it. I miss it! And despite our differences Virgil and I had this really beautiful love..."

 Then Deirdre says: "Harlot, I hope you know I have nothing but respect for the love between you and Virgil, but I also know that since the first time you came to see me you were expressing severe dissatisfaction and resentment about your relationship. Neither of you can be right while you're in a boyfriend–girlfriend relationship with each other - it puts you both in a situation where to be true to yourselves you are not able to satisfy each other."

And she's right. She's so fucking right. Everyone, I mean everyone, needs a therapist like Deirdre.
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Monday, 24 June 2013

Should have known better

Virgil and I have an excruciating breakfast, and I can't decide what to do.

I say: "I feel like shaking you, shaking some sense into you."
Virgil smiles slightly, and I return it.
"Sense as I see it, at least," I finish.
"We had a really good love. There were good things. It's such a waste. It's crazy not to at least try to fix things."

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Sunday, 23 June 2013

Weddings and couples

Virgil and I see old friends and play the couple for a day. Afterwards I feel sad.

Virgil and I spent yesterday impersonating a couple at a wedding. Actually it was a first anniversary party thrown by the parents of some friends of ours who married secretly with only friends present on holiday last year. If they had hoped to escape the drama of a family wedding (I don't think this was their motive but...) they failed.

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Thursday, 20 June 2013

This and that

PMT nearly does for me, and so does thrush, but I'm still alive and thinking about next week. 

Well, sort of revised my expectations downward...

The emotional turbulence of the last few days, in which I feel as though I have regressed, is levelling out. I am certain one reason for this is the arrival of my period. Today I'm achey and exhausted but emotionally I feel better, less full of anguish about losing Virgil, more objective in the way I think about him and me.

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Monday, 17 June 2013

Social media explanation

This is an update on last night's post.

Hurray for not blowing my top last night. I texted Virgil:
"I've unfollowed you on Twitter after I clicked on your page and saw a private message between you and Sarah that I found very hard to see. I think that if you use Twitter in that way it's better we don't follow each other. It's too painful."

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