Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Save the date

I wake to an affectionate email from Virgil asking if I remember that today is the anniversary of our first kiss. I am nonplussed. The anniversary of our first date is some weeks away and we first kissed on our second date several weeks later. I think he has accidentally brought the anniversary forward one month. 'Well it's there in my diary,' says Virgil, as though this is incontrovertible evidence. 'Which is more reliable,' I write back, 'My memory or your electronic calendar?'

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Sunday, 23 September 2012

Back

I know that I am not addicted to blogging. This is because I can leave it and walk away. (I didn't read anyone else's blog while I was away either.) I walked away on holiday with Virgil at the end of August. We came back a few weeks ago. Then we were busy with a joint project which is now out of the way. It was at least a partial success. Virgil left yesterday on a business trip. It's morning now for him, for me night. It's time to start writing again.

I have decided to give up one of the things I do for work. I spent a long time and a great deal of money training for it. I will be paying off the student loan for many years. It has taken me a long time to see it but I now understand that the only thing worse than losing seven years on this venture is the time and energy I now spend prevaricating and agonising over my lack of success at something I clearly do not want to put the effort into making... work. I'd like that part of my brain back please.

Generally, if I really want to do a thing I do it. I find the time. I find a way. Nothing will grow if you don't nurture it. I haven't been doing anything with this work not because I'm scared or lazy: I just do not want it badly enough to do what is needed to succeed. This thing is just not me - I want to find the things that I can do well and feel proud of.

I have an appointment with Deirdre tomorrow. It's a last chance to turn back before I give notice and tell my clients that I will be taking a sabbatical. When I last talked about giving up Deirdre asked if I was sure I was in a good place to be making this sort of big decision. At the time I agreed that I was not. Now I think I am. Going away really helped clear my head. 

More soon. Goodnight.
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Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Too much thinking and SHBs but I set something in motion

Virgil (curse him) once told me that people who read self-help books use them to replace real change with reading self-help books. I think I use SHBs in times of crisis to get myself back on the straight and narrow, to tame my violent mind and unruly thoughts. When things start to spiral out of control SHBs can offer some perspective and stop me flying off the handle. I just bought another one. It's by Wayne Dyer. I'll let you know how it goes.

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Saturday, 11 August 2012

Insect kink

This housesit is giving me some peace at last. It's very familiar and comforting. It takes me back to how I lived before I met Virgil. I eat brown rice and vegetables. I sit in the garden. There's a lavender bush with bees bobbing around in it. Several spiders have built webs in the bush too. One has caught a bee and tied it up. I think about being tied up and how long it has been.

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Friday, 10 August 2012

Gush

I buy myself a Lelo Gigi. Then I take a picture of it and send it to Virgil. It's an important step: having claimed squatter's rights on his for the last three years I now have my own. It's in pale pink so there can be no question of ownership.

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Back again

It is not fair but I am angry with Virgil.

I leave and when I get home send an email explaining that I will no longer prioritise seeing him at weekends. Virgil goes out with Sarah while I work on Saturday nights. But when asked I tell people that I already have plans for the weekend. Only being available during the week is a city phenomenon. It hints at exciting weekends planned well in advance with A-list weekend friends. The truth is more mundane: cinema, meals, nights in and early to sleep. I am unhappy with my social life. I am jealous of Virgil and Sarah. Although I miss Virgil terribly, most of the time, I have to start doing more things on my own.

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Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Risk/benefit

It turns out that Virgil doesn't know much about herpes either. We spend some time reading about Valtrex, the drug Tim buys on the internet because they don't prescribe it here. With remarkable restraint, the official website says: 'Living with genital herpes can be a hassle. When you have a herpes outbreak, it can feel like it takes days out of your life.' Tim's herpes is on the end of his cock and it's taking longer to clear up than he'd thought it would. Not that he's had many outbreaks so it's probably just longer than he'd hoped.

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Saturday, 4 August 2012

Catching

This morning Virgil wants to talk about holiday plans but I'm stewing about Sarah. I want to know but don't want to ask whether he has plans to see her today. Why hasn't he told me more about what's going on between them anyway? All he said recently was that they were going on dates but not having sex. When I asked why he replied that he hadn't wanted to. He said he had just wanted to go home and get on with his work. I didn't understand and still don't, but I have baulked at initiating the conversation. Instead I start to talk about STDs.

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An engagement (not mine)

Predictably, things have taken a turn for the better. Well they had to.

A housesit falls into my lap. It begins tomorrow, making tonight probably the last I will spend in the chaotic warehouse of dogs and Luz. After the housesit Virgil and I will be on holiday and, after that, there will be a new house. I hope Luz and I will part on reasonably good terms. Sometimes it's good to hold one's tongue a little bit.

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Sunday, 29 July 2012

Quiet

Calm and quiet. Luz was home when I got back last night and we talked a bit, calmed the tension, promised to talk on Monday and sort things out. This morning I'm the only one up so I clean and tidy until I feel better. Virgil emails wanting to talk about shared work projects and suggesting meeting up later when he has finished his work.

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Saturday, 28 July 2012

An awful terrible day

It's a real shame but when one thing goes badly wrong other things get affected. Life leaks. There's a constant soundtrack in my head of what I need to say to Luz about the flat. I don't want to be there. Virgil is sick of hearing about it but I can't switch it off. I have started to want to sleep at his simply because I don't want to be at home.

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Wednesday, 25 July 2012

STDs and open relationships

It's not sexy but my current preoccupation is my living situation. I have also been working pretty solidly which hasn't left much time for writing. When I finish this piece of work I shall devote myself to looking for a new place.

I was supposed to have a date with Tim yesterday, finally, but the day before he postponed: his herpes had flared up, right on the end of his cock (yes, I asked). He 'would understand if I wanted nothing more to do with him', he said. Then, when I said it was fine, 'Thank you for being so cool about it.'

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Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Life soup

I can't work out why I don't want to write at the moment. Not long ago I could do little else. I think I was on some kind of trajectory and needed to describe it. At least I could describe it. Now I don't know what I'm doing and it's hard to write about. It's just messy. I'm living in a flat which has turned out to be the wrong flat and just sort of keeping my head above water somehow. Things I thought I didn't want a few months ago now feel like achievements to maintain. And I still don't know if I want them. At least I have something to be bothered about now which isn't totally about my relationship. And there's still that of course.

This evening Virgil is on a date with Sarah. Well, he's back now I think. He just sent me an email with flight options for our summer holiday. Possibly he wants me to know that he's back and thinking of me. Yesterday I texted him to say I didn't think I could see him last night as I was too upset at the thought of the seduction dinner I imagined he had planned for her. For several hours I stormed around thinking how I hoped Virgil would be impotent or prematurely ejaculate. I thought I would refuse to see him for several days as punishment. I thought I would refuse to ever sleep in the bed I used to share with him. I wanted to smash Sarah. I felt sick and tired of trying to do something that I find difficult and painful. I thought of breaking up with him.

'Yes, smash her! That slut!' roars Deirdre my therapist, laughing, when I tell her about it. Then she makes me concentrate on my own feelings rather than what I think about Virgil's behaviour and his desire to have an open relationship. I note that the feeling gives me a horrid sensation in my right kidney.

'I feel betrayed. I feel left out. I hate that I can't call or text him when he's with someone else!' I say at last.

The session ends up being a lot about my six-year-old self wanting my mum when she went into hospital one summer. There was a lot of being taken to the park by an au pair called Karin and my auntie Barbara came to look after us too. I missed my mum. When she came back there was yet another baby to look after. I buried my head in books and became precociously independent.

It's pretty early for a date to finish, I think. Virgil already told me that he didn't have a big seduction dinner planned. So what did happen and is he dating Sarah or just seeing her as a friend? I wish I understood. I surprise myself slightly: I don't feel good about Virgil being on a date but I am coping. I have even got past the malicious thoughts.

I have a seduction dinner planned, by the way. Next week at Tim's flat I'm going to be the seducée who gets cooked for and (probably) fucked. I don't know if I have the stomach for it. Is that kind of certainty sexy? Am I really up for this? But a really good fuck is something I really wouldn't mind having. And if I take a vibrator with me I might come. Alot! Having only had sex with Tim a couple of times, several years ago, I don't know what his position is on vibrators. However, he already thinks I'm a sexual freak/superwoman so he can't be that much of a prude.
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Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Time out and living arrangements

Virgil took me to the mountains in France. We had a lovely time swimming, walking and eating good French food. Virgil drove us around the narrow mountain roads. I swallowed my car sickness and tried not to get too annoyed by his terrible driving (he hadn't wanted to share it). 'You are the worst backseat driver ever. I don't want your advice, ok?' he says finally, shortly before smashing the passenger-side wing mirror.

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Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Moved

I've moved house which is why I haven't been writing. No one writes when they're moving house. It's impossible. When I had to leave Virgil's in exile I couldn't do much more than write. All those thoughts and feelings. Now I'm busy home-making although I still cry a great deal. Standing on the train platform in tears the other day, I thought: 'If anyone asks me, I'll say I'm crying for Andy Murray.'

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Monday, 2 July 2012

Fragments

I wear a red dress and blue tights. A month ago this would have been unthinkable. Virgil is happy to see my spirits brighten. We plan holidays together and squabble over joint projects. I threaten to leave but sit back down again.

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Sunday, 1 July 2012

New flatmate

I go to meet Luz at her workplace. Luz is my new potential flatmate. We have spoken on the phone but this is the first time we meet. It's her birthday and her day off but she's having a celebratory piercing or six. I am squeamish about piercings but I keep that to myself. It took me many years to have my ears done. The thought of a titanium bolt through a nipple or anywhere really makes me shiver.

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Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Motivations and progress

I complain to my therapist, Deirdre, that Virgil is incompetent. He cannot tie up properly and he cannot beat to my satisfaction. He doesn't care about kink enough to be skillful. Virgil is a very amazing head on a body that he doesn't really live in. Dyspraxic is the word I use in private. It's unkind but therapy sessions are not a place to pull punches about people who aren't there. I think about how much better for me solo-therapy is than joint therapy.

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Monday, 25 June 2012

Weekend away

I swallow my reservations about going away with Virgil but my fears are realised when he has to work for most of the weekend. And when he doesn't have to work, he is preoccupied. Virgil's favourite thing about the weekend: the swank, minimalist hotel I find for us. It has a swimming pool on the roof and the best blackout blind in existence. We sleep cocooned in darkness until late each morning. 'Nine hours!' crows Virgil happily and gets back on his laptop. He keeps remarking on what an excellent choice of hotel it is.

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Friday, 22 June 2012

Off

I sat down to write yesterday and something entirely unexpected came out, quite different from the usual. Sadly it's not suitable for this blog though. Today Virgil and I are packing our bags. We are leaving our windy, rainy city for a weekend somewhere hot. I could tell you that I have experienced something of an internal struggle about it but I won't. Instead I will say only that I am a very fortunate harlot and that I am looking forward to spending a quite unprecedented (for the last month) number of days in the company of my beloved.
Hasta mañana!
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Wednesday, 20 June 2012

The life & death of plants (trigger warning: other people's poetry)

I germinate the idea of a tattoo:
A vine and leaves uncurl, push out inked tendrils 
across the wing of my shoulder blade,
Quietly sprouting, ripening, fading, 
Extend green shoots of fertility and decay. 
Verdure has a doomed, unfolding richness,
And the first shoots of life are also funeral flowers.


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Tuesday, 19 June 2012

First date

I have a date with Oliver tonight. I haven't told anyone about it. When Virgil asked what I was doing I said only that I was busy. We have an honesty policy but I don't think a first date needs to be announced in advance of its happening. If it goes well (or very badly), I'll tell him: for now he can speculate.

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Monday, 18 June 2012

Tantric masturbatory explosion or did I just get lucky?

Hey all of you with nine-to-five jobs. It's Monday morning and I've nothing on. There's not a thing I have to do this morning. I have a very little bit of paid work later and time with Virgil and a birthday party to look forward to in the evening. I've checked the flatshare and job sites, written a few emails, looked too long at Facebook and resisted the urge to read a novel. I've also just had the most incredible wank.

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Sunday, 17 June 2012

Psychic squatting

I harbour territorial feelings. I no longer live there but almost all of my possessions are still in Virgil's flat. This amounts to a sort of psychic squatting. When I consider how I feel at the prospect of Virgil taking Sarah to bed in it (previously our bed was off limits but ownership has reverted to Virgil and strictly speaking he can do what he likes), I realise I have to start properly extricating myself.

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e[lust] edition 37

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #38? Start with the newly updated rules, come back July 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ Top 3 ~
Coming to Terms with Being Gay - From the time I was seven I was raised Mormon, which meant I wasn’t allowed to have a girlfriend until I was 16 or to have sex until I was married.
What I Want - I want to be humiliated. Call me a slut. Call me a whore. Slap my face. Expose me.
Dinner Party Entertainment - At that moment, J's eyes went wide--he finally realized I was leaving him there, tied to the bed.
~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~
My Abstinence Only “Sex Education” - The speakers were a married, Christian couple, and the man told us about how he had pledged to stay a virgin until he was married.

~ e[lust] Editress ~
Your Crappy Writing Turns Me Off - Your written words are your clothes, your power, your voice, your facial expressions and that by which we measure intelligence, personality and even attractiveness.
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Thank you, and enjoy!

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Saturday, 16 June 2012

Self-sabotage

If you want to ruin the end of a perfectly good date, do this
  • notice the time
  • think: 'Virgil will not be interested in having sex with me now'
  • remember that he has to leave at 8am the next day and that I won't see him this weekend
  • feel sad and resentful
  • frown and glower
  • get noticed doing it
  • refuse to explain, but then say: 'I'm just sad that we're not really having sex at the moment'
  • et le voila!

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Thursday, 14 June 2012

My (bi)sexual history

The current ripple of irritation caused by Julie Bindel saying that bisexual women might actually not exist or that if they do they have no politics* brings up a question of nomenclature which I rarely bother with but persists: what am I exactly?

For several years I've dodged the question. If required to define myself (say, for the purposes of a dating site) I say that I am bisexual. There are few labels less specific: bisexual can mean a whole way of being or a sexual activity depending on who you talk to. Maybe this is why I settle for it. The truth is that I hate labels but do not consider myself political enough to call myself queer. Anyway, queer is a label too and mostly a negative one at that. It seems to define itself mostly by what it is not. I know people who I think are basically heterosexual but call themselves queer (yes, this is a form of bisexual one-upmanship and I still do it). There is no easy answer.


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Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Not being needy

Today I felt so dull and heavy I almost didn't go to work, except that as a freelance I wouldn't have been paid so of course I went. I have a holiday with Virgil to look forward to and save up for but an inner voice was saying: 'Oh come on... please will someone answer just one of my emails. I need you. Please notice me!!'

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Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Flat hunt

The lack of a view and anything green in the flat Virgil and I have been sharing has always irked me, but returning to the rental market I remember how grubby, ill-kempt and expensive rental accommodation is in this city. In the last two days I have been to see rooms in two flats and one warehouse. Each time I have known within seconds that this is not the place for me. To be honest, I can usually tell before I've made it through the door due to the heavy traffic or the presence of a train track metres away. I make my apologies, sometimes stay for a cup of tea, and leave. There's no point hanging around. I've become used to something a bit nicer these last few years. I hope for something wonderful to manifest and keep checking the flatshare sites.

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Monday, 11 June 2012

I hate Mondays

My head is too full and truly I'm to the point where I cannot think. House-hunting, job-seeking, relationship-fixing, directionless harlot. I am at sea. This morning, having spent the night with Virgil, I wake up and burst into tears. I almost ruin a perfectly good wake-up cuddle but Monday mornings when you haven't got enough work and your whole life needs fixing can be challenging like that. I do, however, have a room in a flat to go to look at this evening and I also managed to send off a job application.

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Saturday, 9 June 2012

I am owed a sexual favour but cannot collect

It's more than a month since I met up with old-flame Tim of the not non-exclusive relationship. Once or twice I wondered what happened to him after our meeting, whether he had got up the courage to have that conversation with the friend in need who had accidentally become his girlfriend and flatmate. My own relationship turmoil mostly knocked all thoughts of him out of my head though. So it was a nice surprise when an email from Tim landed in my inbox thanking me for my sound advice and updating me on recent developments in his situation.

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Friday, 8 June 2012

A self-help hard limit

Now, I'm quite heavily into my self-help just at the moment. Of course I am! What else is there to do when you bump up against the realization that nothing's working in your life and the common factor is you? No one else can do this work for me and there is much work to be done. The truth: I'm finding self-help really helpful! Thanks, in particular, go to Neale Donald Walsch.

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Thursday, 7 June 2012

Lightning strikes twice in 24 hours


Tantra again! Oh it's me, it's me: Akhilandeshvari, the goddess who is never not broken. She rides on the back of the crocodile of fear and embraces change:

I just found this fantastic piece about how lying broken on your bedroom floor (or a friend's bedroom floor as has been my experience) is actually a position of power. Don't worry, although it was written by a yogini, no actual physical exertion is required to reap the benefit of her words.
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Other people's problems and a talk on tantra

My friend Ava is getting over the effects of Marcus, with whom she had an open relationship for two years. Virgil and I know them pretty well. They recently split up. It was a very drawn-out break-up. We watched it come from far away like a ponderous tsunami. Admittedly Marcus is odd. I don't understand him but I do feel very sorry for him. He is in a bad place and she is moving on.

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Tuesday, 5 June 2012

I think of kink and (separately) recall that Virgil is not perfect

Oliver the dom would 'love' to meet! He's on holiday for a few days but will contact me on his return. I'm about as pleased as a grouch can be at the prospect of a first date with someone first encountered on a contact site for perverts.

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Monday, 4 June 2012

A day together

I'm happy and sad today in the same way that it is both raining and sunny outside. Perhaps there'll be a rainbow. Yesterday Virgil and I spent the whole day together. We met early for breakfast in an empty cafe. It was cold and pissing rain. A police van beeped hello to two pedestrians wearing Union Jack wellies, plastic hats and raincoats for the Jubilee. We went back to the flat without a plan but just feeling that we needed time to be together, and that's what we did all day and the night too.

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Saturday, 2 June 2012

Challenge of the day...

I am impatient to see Virgil tomorrow. First I must endure a soul-withering day and evening at the scandalous rag. I must also overcome paranoid thoughts that he might be seeing Sarah. When we spoke on the phone this morning I didn't ask what his plans were for the day and he didn't tell me. I just wished him rest and recuperation after his marathon work stint this week. He's so tired. It's been all work and no play for Virgil.

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Friday, 1 June 2012

Pining, blogging and an outing

Happy knowing that the day after tomorrow will be a day spent with Virgil, I am pining for him in the way we missed each other between dates at the beginning of our relationship. There are three job descriptions on the desk in front of me and I cannot bear to start work on any of them. Instead I daydream. I'm getting paid to do nothing. I start writing instead.

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Thursday, 31 May 2012

Dom hunt

Keep working away on that wishlist, Harlot. Do a little more each day. I write an email:
"Hi Oliver, 
Confession: I didn't message you completely out of the blue last week. Your name came up recently in conversation with a good mutual friend. She reminisced fondly about you one night over dinner. I had expressing a hankering for kinky new friends and she told me that you were something of a master-beater and a sound person to boot. 
So, without any knowledge of your current situation, and with no more previous than a few long-ago messages on a social network for perverts, I'm going to risk an award for social gaucheness to ask whether you would care to meet for a drink to, well, sniff each other out a bit?
Do let me know.
Harlot"

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Wednesday, 30 May 2012

All I want

"Female curmudgeon, 40-ish, prone to outbursts of weeping and self-righteousness; a so-called professional who is often at home; kinky; misanthropic; pet friendly, seeks lovely home with good views, green outside space; flatmates who are grown up but not dull, alternative but not freaks, sociable but know the importance of space and see home as a haven but not a hermitage."

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Tuesday, 29 May 2012

I count my blessings and Virgil has his space

Someone decorates the street outside the flat last night. Having space seems to be working for Virgil. In the morning he sends me a picture of it:

"This greeted me upon my exit :)"
I rejoice but don't answer immediately because I am busy writing. Half an hour later, another text:
"Miss you!"
Smiling, I reply:
"Finally! :)"
Then, because I don't want to appear too craven:
"That was a joke"
Soon after comes:
"Did you see the image I sent?"
So I text:
"Yes I did. I think it raises the tone in our road immeasurably x"
My spark is returning. This morning I found myself whistling and my appetite is coming back. I think I'll go and get my bike today; I want to be riding again. It feels really weird* that what was my home for more than two years in the blink of an eye no longer feels comfortable but I am lucky: I am staying with my brother in an airy, comfortable house. Friendly people live in it and it's right near my neighborhood. There is a garden and a park across the street.

Soon I am going to find a place that feels right for me, not Virgil's flat but one I choose myself. It will have windows I can see out from and green space outside. Good things will happen. This is not a disaster: it's an opportunity for change, growth and things to get better, I tell myself. I mean it a bit more each day.

*Ok, actually it's sad. I feel sad that I can't go home. If I'm honest, I feel a bit resentful about it too. I mean, Virgil's work vs. my home? I hope he appreciates this. Actually I know he does appreciate it. Why am I writing this? Move on, Harlot. Love and support are whatever they need to be and Virgil has given me plenty in our time together.
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Monday, 28 May 2012

The ur-fear

A crow more persistent and more offensive than any alarm clock wakes me. I give up on sleep and lie curled up and entertaining fearful thoughts. They're fantasies, nothing that has actually happened. I imagine Virgil saying, 'I am really grateful for the space you have given me these last few weeks. I know I said I would try again but now that I've had time to think, I've changed my mind - sorry, but I don't want to be persuaded.' I think, stop making things up, Harlot. Just be a girl in a bed on an early summer morning.

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Saturday, 26 May 2012

The hardest gift to give

I see Virgil today. We spend several hours working together on a project to help out a friend. It is a prior commitment neither of us feel comfortable about breaking so we turn up and get on with the job. We meet on the train there. I sob behind my sunglasses and tell him about the weeks' emotions and revelations. I know it's hard for him to see me like this but I just have to. All this stuff feels so important and urgent: I need to share it with him in all its exoriating excruciatingness, both positive and oh so painful. I'm not going to say 'bad' because change is good. That's the way I have to see this. How is it possible to feel so hopeful and determined and so bad at the same time?

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Friday, 25 May 2012

I stop crying

An email from Virgil with his nose to the grindstone at work. It's brief but to the point:
Thanks for your message.
So what happens next? I am willing to give it a try if we live separately, as I said before.
But what does this mean for the immediate future?


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Sunny morning, still crying

It's a glorious May morning. I wake up in my brother's bed. I feel like a prawn, curled in a foetal position, raw and pink and teary with weeping. I think, 'Harlot, remember that on some level you have chosen this.' Then I think: 'All change is for the best,' and that brings on another burst of tears.

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Thursday, 24 May 2012

The irony

My blog is being linked to from Tristan Taormino's Opening Up website. It's an excerpt from a post I wrote a few weeks ago for Awesome Women of Twitter, when I thought I had a tentative handle on my open relationship and my issues. I must admit, I feel pretty foolish. Check my wise words... I might have to rename this blog 'How not to negotiate an open relationship'.
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A difficult conversation


We met in a pub beer garden yesterday evening, the weather being nice for a change. The sun was an orange disc in an almost colourless sky. Virgil had a burger. I drank apple juice. We tried to ignore the people on nearby tables listening in.

Virgil looked tired and pissed off. He looked at me warily and without affection. He said, 'What do you want to talk about?' 'Did you read my email?' I asked. 'That's what I needed to say to you.' 'I thought it was very... poetic,' he said. 'But I didn't think much of it was to do with me.'


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Self-recrimination and what to do thoughts

I fell, gloriously, happily, into this relationship. Virgil was my saviour. My heart was opening as never before. I knew something was changing and growing in me. I was also in my last year of college and, frankly, that wasn't good. So much for a career change: I didn't feel sure or enthusiastic about my new professional direction - at all. A part of me thought: 'Well even if you have just spent years training to be something you're no good at, at least you have this lovely, amazing new relationship. At least one part of your life is really picking up.'

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Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Just so you know

It's not easy to write a blog this week, but I've been talking alot with friends and I had an amazing therapy session yesterday. Afterward I went back to my friend Geri's house, where I am staying for a few days, and wrote this. I'm not going to edit it really. You might as well read what's on my tiny mind.

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Monday, 21 May 2012

Mistake

I took a step too far yesterday and was asked to leave my relationship. My temper will be the death of me. I think it has been the death of my relationship. My friends Aaron and Ruby are looking after me. I can't do much more than cry and sit on their sofa and try to think of things to say to Virgil to persuade him to take me back. I don't think he will, though, and I have to leave him alone for a bit to give him some space. He has so much work to do this week it's not fair on him.
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Sunday, 20 May 2012

The city is too small

Dissatisfied as ever with my 'work' situation, I have been rather half-heartedly looking for jobs. Not many part-time situations in my so-called specialism come up. I don't know why it should be harder to find half a job than a whole job but there it is. Lists of vacancies appear my inbox regularly but there's nothing I want to (or realistically could) apply for, until last week. Then two arrive on the same day and my ears prick up.

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Saturday, 19 May 2012

Virgil is sad

Virgil is sad. For the first time in a long time it occurs to me that he might actually be feeling sadder than I do. He has too much work but it's the wrong kind of work. He is harried by his employers who have him to a punishing schedule. No play is making him dull. Sarah... well, who knows about Sarah. Virgil looks miserable and dark under the eyes. He is often unshaven and his hair, which he is growing, hangs greasily around his face.

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Friday, 18 May 2012

Angry all the time again

I wonder about the situation with Virgil and Sarah. Are they planning a date, just being friends or biding their time? I catch a glimpse of some emails between them on Virgil's computer. The question of why glances at Virgil's inbox are both inadvertent and searching is one I cannot answer. Certainly I could just not look. Instead I tell him off for letting me see his stuff. 'Why do you do it?' he asks, reasonably. 'I can't help it.' I say.

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Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Sweet Valley High meets the Story of Oh My!

I like reading porn and erotic fiction and - guess what? - I've just read the first two books of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Why? Because I'd heard about their success is why. I was curious and thought they'd be worth a try. Reader: I will not be reading the third. It's a damn shame that once a thing gets talked up enough many more people will try it even though it is shit. While it's generally agreed that you cannot polish a turd, you could certainly sell one if enough people wrote about it. Here's why I think Fifty Shades of Grey is indifferent, boring writing, a waste of your time and money and - worse still - propagates some very bad ideas indeed.

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Monday, 14 May 2012

I admit to disappointment

It's been a bit quiet on my blog this past five days. I know why. There has been something I haven't wanted to share. It's this: I had another date with Alan. I went over to his flat for dinner. It was a nice dinner. He made lasagne and I brought wine. Afterward we went to his bedroom. We lay on his bed and chatted. After a while we stopped chatting and started kissing. Some time after that we had sex. For me it was unremarkable and lacked passion or edge. It was nice but it wasn't exciting. It felt a bit like being a teenager again, when you're getting off with someone just for the sake of it, just because you can. I don't feel as though I have a proper erotic connection with Alan yet. I think I slept with him too quickly before I'd had time to look forward to it or decide whether I wanted to.

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Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Sex homework: Scene 2

Encouraged by the success of the first of our sex homeworks, I jettison the timid sex-ed scenario and get writing. The new scene is more ambitious and kinkier. To my delight it is the one Virgil chooses.
I am blindfolded and wait for you in the living room. You don’t talk to me at all when you come in and throughout the scene you only address me curtly to tell me what to do and what not to do. I’d like you to be really strict and exacting about what positions I assume and how I hold them or move. Tell me exactly what I have to do and how to do it. You undress me roughly and handcuff my hands behind my back. Kneeling over the sofa with my face in the pillow, spank or beat me with an implement of your choice. Put a butt plug or the smaller black dildo inside me and move it around. Tease my clit with your fingers and/or a vibrator. Hurt me some more if you like. Tease me and withhold my orgasm, making me beg to be allowed to come. It is up to you whether you fuck me with your cock or a dildo. 

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Monday, 7 May 2012

Other people's rules

The date with Alan goes well. So far so good! He seems intelligent, a good spirit, happy and easygoing. If I had met him in a vanilla context I don't think I would have guessed at his sexual nonconformism. I wonder how many other people slip beneath my radar. Alan fields a volley of semi-serious questions from me. I learned this bad habit from Virgil who has a talent for making people feel quizzed and laughed at simultaneously. He answers well and asks a few of his own. I am overtaken by an urge to confess and admit to peccadilloes one really shouldn't give up on a first date (such as having an awful temper and the shoddiest thing in my internet dating history). We have an awkward kiss at the end of it (I nearly fall over my bike) but the chemistry is there.

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Saturday, 5 May 2012

Sex homework: Scene 1

We did the first of our homework scenes last night. I picked it. It was one of Virgil's two scenarios and it went like this:
'I would like to recreate something similar to what you did with me in our early days of going out. That is: to bath you in a warm bath, washing you all over until you are scrubbed nice and clean, then drying you off, brushing your hair and leading you into the bedroom. I lay you down on the bed, in the warm, and stroke you gently with brushes and with my fingers, massaging you until you are aroused. Then I play with your cunt using my hands and fingers, biting your ears and kissing your neck. I take my clothes off and play with your cunt, now good and wet, and when you are ready I make love to you.' 

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Friday, 4 May 2012

Sex homework II

Finally I manage to complete the first part of the sex homework: two fantasies for Virgil to choose between. I feel unaccountably shy about it but I've posted them anyway. Read them. See: I am neither big nor clever and (in case you had been wondering) yes I am indeed a pervert. If I'm honest, I'd prefer the second (the first sounds as though it came out of a sex therapy book). The kinkier one is riskier but more exciting. D/s has been too complicated between us for a long time. Maybe this is a safe way to dip our toes in the water again.

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Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Debrief

I know that Virgil has been to see Sarah. Despite efforts to the contrary, I am unable to to put this thought out of my head for much of the evening. As the hours go past the potential for what might have occurred increases uncomfortably. When I finally get home Virgil is asleep but there is water in the bath and on the bathroom floor. Oh you absolute fucker, Virgil, I mutter. You absolute bastard. You promised me that if you had sex with someone you would come home clean, not have a bath here. Now the very first time that gets tested, right after our break, you can't stick to the agreement.

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Monday, 30 April 2012

Sex homework

It rained all afternoon. On my way home I left my bike outside a shop. Coming back with my shopping I was confused to see I still had my bike lock in my hand. Luckily bike was still there - a near miracle considering the area, although maybe not given the scruffiness of my bike. I felt as flat as the daffodils and ragged like the tulips in my windowbox.

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e[lust] edition 35 is here!


Photo Courtesy of Vincent and Mia
Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #36? Start with the newly updated rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ Top 3 ~
Strangers in a barShe sensed him move along the bar, he took the seat next to her his knee brushing her thin stockings as he took in her dress and the way it waved over her curvaceous figure.
Dealing with Abuse in Our CommunitiesWe’re only human (yes, dominants ARE human) and mistakes happen. But what you do with the information that you’ve harmed someone is key.
Special RequestWalking to his desk, he pulled off his belt and put it on the left side, then pulled out a paddle and put it in the middle and then a cane on the right hand side.
~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~
What Keeps Us GoingWe co-existed, and we were generally happy with each other, but we were dysfunctional. You know how people talk about becoming roommates rather than lovers? Guilty.
~ e[lust] Editress ~
Sex Toy Journalism: Seeking the Truths of Silicone via Flame Testing and Confronting ManufacturersWhy flame test? “Pure” silicone, be it food grade or medical grade, shouldn’t melt or deform under the heat of an open flame from a disposable lighter or match – a fact you’ll see demonstrated in the video
Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships
Comparisons Part Three
Cosmic Vibrations
Momentum: Reflections and Impressions
My Feminine Fountain is Finally Flowing (I squirted for the 1st time!)
PolyAnna’s Musings: Attraction
Q&A Number 1: Play Partners
Sexual Bucket List (and a Brief Diatribe on My Self Censorship Hang Up)
The “Dry Rut/Root”! Non-sex?
Intolerance – Contraception Debate, Religious Intolerance, & Grumpy Cooper
Erotic Writing
Come Together
Encounter in the Spa
Flame
Good Bad Sex
I needed him there and then
inside
Make Me Cum
Namaste
Onomatopoeia
Play Lady Play
Quitting While Ahead
Rampage – YSL’s birthday treats
sleep
the Confidante and I film ourselves
third
The first time I slept with the Girl in the Red DressTiming Is Everything
We drink each other’s cum
Kink & Fetish
Assignment from M
Buttons
Cigars
Fucked Raw
Foot fetishists, come talk to me
Imprints
Make Me
Nice vs. Good
On “Closure.”
Practicing My Religion
Please Fuck Me
Snap
Sex News, Interviews, Politics & Humor
Annie fucking Sprinkle
Voice and the Author
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Sunday, 29 April 2012

Something to look forward to


Despite the recent disappointment of Tim having a girlfriend and the challenge of Virgil meeting up with Sarah (of which, more soon), I do have one card up my sleeve: Alan, the giver of the bruise at the recent play party. We have a date this week.

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Saturday, 28 April 2012

Virgil prepares to get back in the saddle and I know all about it

New communications strategy: share as much as possible. Unless you are truly disinterested in what your partner gets up to on their solo adventures, don't ask don't tell policies create massive opportunities for paranoia and insecurity to fester. An open relationship is something you do together.

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Thursday, 26 April 2012

Some slight changes

As of today, you might notice some changes in style and nomenclature on this blog. Eight hours, two tingling hands and one numb buttock later, I have expunged the annoying use of initials and given everyone proper names. I should have done it ages ago. Apart from that, everything remains intact. Keep reading.

x RH
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Honesty and old flames

In the uneasy knowledge that Virgil could this instant be contacting Sarah to announce the end of our break and request the resumption, should she wish it (of COURSE she will!), of their torrid connexion, I decide to be first out of the blocks. Actually I cheat. Sometime last week I sent the following text: "Satisfy my curiosity about something. Is it true that men never delete old phone numbers? If you can tell me my name I'll take that as a yes ;)" Sophisticated, aren't I? I think that's what they call t-ex-ting.

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Tuesday, 24 April 2012

The contract

I don't know how other people do it, but Virgil and I now have a four-page document of rules and policies governing how our open relationship is going to operate from now on. The document has taken several weeks to write and agree upon. Unbelievably, this feels like progress. As of today, officially, the break is over.


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Friday, 20 April 2012

Two invitations: one good, one bad

This morning there are two new messages in my Facebook inbox. The good one is from Alan, the giver of Saturday night's bruise. He would like to see me again. Excellent news! I would like to see him again too and find out more about him. I hope there's enough connection besides the physical one for some nice sex and hopefully kink to happen. The other one is from Voracious C.

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Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Royalty

I tell Deirdre what happened at the play party - about playing on my own and giving permission for Virgil to play with Voracious C. It's a satisfying vignette and she asks me to describe in more detail how I felt at the time. I say: Well, when Virgil asked me to describe what I had been doing in front of the others I felt annoyed actually and defensive. It was cheeky of him but he always likes to hear about my solo adventures in as much detail as possible. It turns him on.

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Monday, 16 April 2012

We attend a play party. I leave with a bruise and some sense of progress

At a party on Saturday night I went off and played on my own. Got tied up and spanked and gave a very satisfying cock-sucking to someone. It was good - not earth-shattering but I enjoyed it! In the mirror this morning I was pleased to see a bruise on my left buttock.

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Friday, 13 April 2012

Talk to me, lover

Er, oh... cringe. I recently alluded to a terrible, ongoing disagreement about sex that Virgil and I had been having. And actually, even though it severely ESCALATED over the last week and things were said that had previously only been thought, it was a point of tension in our relationship for a long time. Now the terrible, ongoing disagreement is no more. If I'm honest I would prefer to simply slink away and drop the subject, but I think it's worth a coda. I'd like to think I can admit when I've been wrong about something.

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Saturday, 7 April 2012

Love and Fear

Last week, in session with Deirdre, I say: To me, love is the most important thing in the world. It's the only thing that matters in the end. I believe in love and will love simply for love's sake, because it is good. This is not a sentiment one would expect to hear from a harlot but even at my most misanthropic and curmudgeonly it is true.  I don't want to live with a closed heart, even if it means having my heart broken every day.

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Sunday, 1 April 2012

History

I meet up with a very old friend and her daughter. I am apprehensive almost to the point of cancelling. Andrea and I were teenage best buddies but she's really hard work these days. She rarely comes to the city and swears she no longer feels safe. Andrea jokes relentlessly about how her family drive her mad and confound her. She just can't seem to say anything positive or pleasant. I want to say: Well if you really feel like you're such a martyr to everyone that's a problem. What I say is: Why don't you change what you do?

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Saturday, 31 March 2012

Milestone

At my final junior school summer fair, I paid some unmemorable number of pence to a palmist in an orange tent and learned that I would live to be 82 or 83. It's the only piece of information I retain from that interview. The palmist could have alerted me to me other, equally significant life-patterning events but I have no recollection.

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Thursday, 29 March 2012

Visualisations

I was a mess when I got to Deirdre's consulting room yesterday. A summer cold, even more dentistry and not eating or sleeping well for days hadn't helped. I felt fragile and transparent, like I could buckle in on myself.

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Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Good Bad Sex

Sex is like a conversation. At the moment we are not communicating well. The irony is that we are talking more about sex than ever. This is at my behest. I want us to resolve our sexual issues and I think that talking them through is the way to go. Unfortunately either Virgil is oversensitive to perceived criticism or I am just really terrible at not sounding negative and hurtful.

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Saturday, 24 March 2012

I Upset Myself Sleuthing

If you go looking for things to feel sad about, success will come your way. Today, against all commonsense, I have been snooping on Sarah. I don't know why. Yes I do. It's a compulsion. Sarah is about to come back into my life, I think. Virgil says she could well have moved on by now but I suspect not.

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Thursday, 22 March 2012

Movement and sadness

A hiccup and then I'm writing again. What starts it is the decision to consent to Virgil seeing Sarah again. It means our break is coming to an end. My writing has stagnated during the break. Part of me is aghast and asking HOW? and I'M NOT READY and IT'S GOING TO HURT! I'll never be ready. It was always going to hurt to begin with at least.

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Wednesday, 21 March 2012

e[lust] edition 33 is here...

Photo Courtesy of JM from There is No Spoon!
Welcome to e[lust] - Your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in e[lust] #35 ? Start with the rules, check out the schedule and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates! Note: Wondering why there is no Top 3 this edition? Read the latest Editor's Note to find out why, and what you can do to help prevent this from happening in the future. ~ Featured Posts (Picked by Lilly) ~ The Ultrasound and the Fury- I cried softly and my partner moved closer to the table so I could lay my cheek against him for comfort and support. Then they brandished a wand and explained they needed to take pictures inside of me. And told him to get out. Vagina in the Wild - Adventures in Pantslessness - They are self-cleaning and self-lubricating. They are a wonderfully well designed body part that speaks of feminine power and beauty. They leave wet spots on the couch. ~ e[lust] Editress ~ The Ultimate Guide to Silicone Sex Toys – With Metis Black of Tantus, Inc. - I picked the brain of Metis Black, the fabulous woman behind Tantus Inc, makers of some very awesome silicone sex toys. Get your sex geek on and find out some myths and facts about silicone sex toys! All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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Monday, 20 February 2012

Eyes Wide Smut

Kubrick's surreal, enchanted and disturbing film Eyes Wide Shut is mostly about fantasy and fear. Virgil is a big Cruise and Kubrick fan. He sent me a DVD of it when we were first dating. Like the film, it was Christmastime. It was before we attended our first sex party together. I watched Eyes Wide Shut and thought of him and the new experiences I was about to have.

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Thursday, 16 February 2012

A big Gestalt vomit

Mid-afternoon on the sofa, I masturbate to some bad kink fiction. It is a mechanical release so that I won't feel horny later. This morning I sat in Sigi the therapist's room and cried as I regurgitated some of my most painful memories. I talked about standing by my dad's hospital bed when I thought he was dying and he told me that he had given up trying to connect with me. We didn't use the word connect - it was 1991 - but you know what I mean.

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e[lust] edition 32 is here...

Photo courtesy of Penny
Welcome to e[lust], the sex blog round-up- The best posts from the hottest and smartest sex bloggers all in one place! This edition highlights topics such as STI's, swingers and poly relationships, spanking, role play and so much more. Want to be included in e[lust] #34? Start with the rules, come back in February to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates! ~ The Top Three Posts ~ I'm The 48% - I keep breathing. Strangely enough, the world didn’t end at that precise moment. I felt numb. I stared at those two red lines on the monitor. Can Swingers be Happily Married? Long Term? - Swinging can be an exhilarating experience. It requires sincerity, honesty, vulnerability, strength, forgiveness, and patience. Secretary - I was a little worried: my intentions in placing the ad had been purely dishonorable, but her response offered no evidence that she correctly divined my intentions. ~ e[lust] Editress ~ Why I Write – And Respect – Negative Sex Toy Reviews - I call a spade a spade, and name it out for being crap no matter if it’s $39 crap or $139 crap. Crap is crap and you shouldn’t have to buy it. ~ Featured Post (Picked by Lilly) ~ A Little Spanking Can Go A Long Way - All I could do was hold on until it was over. It was more than I could take, but I took it and, of course, I loved it. All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

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Wednesday, 15 February 2012

To test my commitment to an open relationship, I have lunch with M

We are officially on a break from solo adventures so I do not tell Virgil that I am going to lunch with Dmitri today. It's academic. Dmitri is not in an open relationship with his girlfriend. He's off limits. Does it count as a date if you fancy someone like mad?

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Disconnected

Mornings are my worst time. My sleeping brain stores up hurt and resentment during the night. I used to wake up feeling very glad to be lying next to Virgil. This makes me sad. I can't seem to help it.

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Monday, 6 February 2012

The important question

I send a text to say yes to Sigi the therapist. She hasn't texted back yet. Maybe she'll veto me. Sigi can have a chance. If it doesn't work I'll try someone else.

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Saturday, 4 February 2012

I prevaricate and give myself until Monday to make up my mind

Yesterday morning I thought, I must phone the therapist, but I didn't. I spent most of the day working at home on a project Virgil and I are collaborating on. Then it's too late.

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Thursday, 2 February 2012

I need to make a decision about therapy

ge·stalt/gəˈSHtält/

Noun: 
An organized whole that is perceived as more than the sum of its parts

Today I went to see the Gestalt therapist. We talked for 50 minutes, mostly about my problems and whether Gestalt might work for me. Sigi's main concern seems to be that I want a quick fix and might not get it. My main concern is that Sigi isn't very articulate and lacks assurance. She's a trainee. I still don't really know what Gestalt therapy is.


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Loneliness and the Righteous Harlot

It's Zoe's birthday soon. Zoe is the friend who was so upset to not be invited to our New Year's play party. She told us at the time that ours was a party 'she would expect to have been invited to' and that she thought of us as good friends. Now it's her birthday and we have word of a weekend of celebrations to which we haven't been invited. It might be because she knows we're busy (we are) but I'm not sure.


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Tuesday, 31 January 2012

What's my motivation?

Here's a thorny question: At our counselling session I am spouting off about how painful it is for me when Virgil goes off on dates. How difficult I find the idea of him being intimate in a meaningful way with other people. How much it hurts to imagine him being excited about, kissing and having sex with other women who he is attached to. I can't stop going on about it. D says, What do you get out of feeling like that?

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A Few Sleeps

Several sleeps later I don't feel quite so bad. I still don't feel remotely like having sex though.
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Sunday, 29 January 2012

Shock reaction

Time crawls on this graveyard shift. I am in shock and very sad. Virgil is sad and sorry and ashamed. Earlier he was not able to tell me his thought processes exactly or why he decided to get high so that he could have sex with me. I feel betrayed, dirty and used. I can't understand why he thought that was ok. It's a disrespectful and dishonest thing to do. It's lying. I don't understand why Virgil would even think that I would want him to do that. I just keep thinking: what can he think of me? How little can he think of me that he would think of doing that? How bad have things got?

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Bad Sex

I'm just finishing a three-day weekend of graveyard shifts. It's not good for the soul. I'm not busy enough today to distract me from the memory of what happened when I got home last night.

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All work

We had the most delicious cuddle in bed this morning, Virgil and me. It was heavenly. We were so close. For a moment I hoped it might turn into a fuck but my luck was not in. He made breakfast while I played with my new vibrators. He could have stayed and learned how to use them on me but he seemed shy so I said he didn't have to. I've lost track of when we last had sex. It was weeks ago. I have made a few remarks but there's no point badgering him because that makes it worse.

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Talking about therapy

I applied for low-cost (read trainee) Gestalt therapy. No, I don't know what that is either, but our relationship counsellor Douglas suggested it and we trust Douglas.

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Friday, 27 January 2012

My Dad

It's an odd trajectory when you start writing a sex blog which becomes an open relationship angst-fest and then you find yourself writing about your dad. Where am I going with this? I had an embattled relationship with my dad. He died of cancer when I was 20. He was diagnosed when I was 13. My dad died nearly twenty years ago, which is half my lifetime. I suspect no one has exerted such a strong influence on me or shaped my character as much as he did.

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Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I go fishing and catch some cod psychology

Today I have a virus. I stay in bed and read Opening Up. In between reads are bouts of crying and looking at other blogs and writings on open relationships. I make frequent cups of tea and cover my chest in Vicks Vapo-rub. I also find out that my two new vibrators are great fun and indulge in several marathon masturbation sessions. I don't think masturbating is a good idea when you are ill, though. Having ten orgasms is draining for an ill harlot, even if they are electronically induced and require little exertion.

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Saturday, 21 January 2012

Brain fight

I believe that brains can be retrained. Therefore it must be possible to retrain my own. I want to change my thought patterns. At some point I might have to pay someone else for this service but thinking is free.

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Monday, 16 January 2012

Pot shots and sexual fatigue

We are checking in. We do this every day at the moment. The main benefit of this is that it keeps us in fair fighting mode and we communicate better.

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The anger book

Any regular visitor to these pages will know that I have a temper. Check me out on my new tag cloud. Anger is right up there. I am an angry woman and it's not pretty. Recently I decided that getting control of my rage would be a good first step in trying to sort out the mess I'm making.

Things have got worse recently. There was a night where I smashed three glasses in front of Virgil and then tried to pull his laptop out of his hands. I ended up sweeping the bedroom floor in a rage before sleeping (badly) on the sofa. I felt exhilarated and scared and absolutely incandescently but coldly angry. I don't want to be that person. I was desperate for Virgil to come and cuddle me and bring me back down but I had put myself somewhere where he was not going to come and get me. And I don't mean the sofa.

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Exercise some mind control

I am trying not to catastrophize. It's one of my new strategies. I don't like bursting into tears while on the tube or getting my bike out of the bikeroom. Also I don't think that encouraging unhealthy trains of thought will help me to feel better about the situation. I don't want to wear my neuronal pathways any deeper.

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Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Is anyone happy in Polywood?

I would prefer not to have to consider the emotions of people other than Virgil and myself but I now accept this head-in-the-sand mentality has to stop. We had a long and painful conversation about how things had gone with Sarah the other day.  Now Sarah knows all about us and we know a lot more about her.


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Monday, 9 January 2012

Breaks and taking them

At 16.29 I text Virgil to ask (if he is free) could he book some tickets for something we want to see. The parentheses are because he is seeing Sarah today and I don't want to interrupt. At 23:03 he texts back to say he will do it later. I suppose that is his way of saying that he is now free.

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Saturday, 7 January 2012

Bad vibes, generally

This week I did beaucoup de research on vibrators. Not only did I peruse Lovehoney's demonstration videos and customer reviews until my head ached, I went to actual sex shops and tested them in person. After the recent Eroscillator disappointment and another costly mistake with a Lelo Ina (they pinch - can't recommend) I wanted to get it right.

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Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Hiatus interrupted

For the past month Virgil hasn't seen Sarah. She has been visiting her native land, wonderfully far away. We planned our play party but otherwise fucked and dated only each other. There has been a lot of love and tenderness. It has felt healing and restful. For the first time in months there hasn't been the weekly emotional hurdle to get through of one or other of us going on a date. It was in the back of my mind that Sarah would be coming back but I hadn't given it much thought. I've been thinking more about his suggestion that we take a break from our open relationship to focus on our (well, my) issues.

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Post-party blues

It's probably partly the after-effects of the stimulants I took over New Year's Eve. Everything seems wrong with my life today.

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New year new motivation?

After weeks of nearly nothing, engendering the creeping suspicion that I am indeed an undesirable, my OkCupid inbox is finally seeing some action. Must be the start of the new year. I'm not sure what to do. We are thinking about taking a break from the whole open relationship thing. More on that decision and how our New Year's party went will follow soon.
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