This and that

PMT nearly does for me, and so does thrush, but I'm still alive and thinking about next week. 

Well, sort of revised my expectations downward...

The emotional turbulence of the last few days, in which I feel as though I have regressed, is levelling out. I am certain one reason for this is the arrival of my period. Today I'm achey and exhausted but emotionally I feel better, less full of anguish about losing Virgil, more objective in the way I think about him and me.


Read more!

Too much play, too little sleep

The price of a good time - sleep deprivation and sexual health issues. 

It's Monday morning but all that means is I have revision to do. I could use more structure in my life and more distractions. It's hard to study. Being alone in the flat gives me time to think of Virgil. I miss him like crazy, to the point of picking up the phone, but I don't reach out. What's the point?

Read more!

Pet hate #24

A week post-wheat. I continue to feel more energetic, happier and alert. My stomach is more apple-like than of football proportions. I'd like to say my guts are perfect but they're not. However, my vagina is definitely happier and I haven't used Canesten since I stopped the wheat. I'm not sure it was helping anyway. I think I had irritation rather than a yeast infection. After all, thrush isn't the only thing that can cause genitals to feel bad.

Which reminds me of something I detest: It's that depressing moment when you have to buy a fresh tube of Canesten. The shop assistant (often a young man with fluff on his lip) asks: 'Have you used this before?' because it's in his training. And feeling a hundred years old and smarting from the unfairness of it all, you reply: 'Yes I have, thank you for asking.'

It occurs to me that there is so much about sex that isn't sexy, but I digress.

Now that my vagina is feeling better I am thinking about having sex again. I'm also thinking about taking a well-deserved break and some responsible hedonism. Since the beginning of this year I have taken good care of my body. The strongest stimulant in my repertoire is coffee and I can't remember when I was last awake past 1am.

A small voice warns me about undoing all the good I have done, but I sense it is soon to be overruled by the rest of me.

Read more!

Wheat poisoning

I've got brain fog. Brain fog is what it sounds like and I'm blaming it on my new intolerance, sensitivity or allergy (whatever you want to call it) to wheat. It explains why I can hardly think, barely construct a sentence and why even getting out of bed this week has seemed like a huge pain. I'm also in a terrible mood. People annoy me even more than usual and that's saying something.

Can this all really be wheat? Apparently it can. Symptoms of wheat allergy include exhaustion, bloating, mood swings (check, check, check) and even itchy eyes (check!). Ok, thrush is not up there at the top of the list but I know from past experience that there's a connection. Now I just have to stop eating wheat (check - day two already) and sit it out.

I'm relieved to have a reason. In fact, my mood must have improved slightly because I write to Jay in a warm, news-y way and decide not to worry too much about it. I think it'll be fine.
Read more!

Trust And The Other Woman

An update on my post 'Fucking Awful':

My iPhone recovered.

I didn't get thrush.

The someone Virgil was having dinner with was Beatrix, with whom we have recently been enjoying threesomes and sauna sex. Virgil also had sex with her once before. It was early this year I think. He only told me because I asked him about it after we had had the threesome.

I already knew that Virgil and Beatrix had been lovers at some point. I had asked them just as we had all started to kiss and talk of leaving the club we were in. I was not surprised. I had suspected but had preferred not to ask. However, as we were all about to go to bed together it seemed better to be open. I did once have a threesome with a couple, having illicitly fucked the man first, and I would not do so again.

There had been some slight hesitation in Virgil's voice or expression whenever he referred to Beatrix for as long as I can remember. I remember a bus ride the three of us took home from an evening out (it was the first time Beatrix and I met) and being aware of an atmosphere.

I hadn't realised it was while he and I were living together.

Virgil told me that sex with Beatrix had been disappointing. He said he had ended the evening feeling sad and wishing he was with me. He had not intended to repeat the experience, except that we all ended up in bed together and that really was good. They do see each other socially as friends but Virgil is slightly ambivalent about Beatrix's charms. She is a complex creature when you get to know her, he says. Winsome and needful of friends who will pay court to her, which is not his style at all.

When he told me about the dinner invitation, I couldn't resist asking him whether he was planning to have sex. He said no, but he shaved, cleaned his teeth and put on aftershave anyway. I could smell it when I came home to the flat he had already left. But he came back too early to have fucked Beatrix, and his erection in bed suggested the same. We didn't talk about her or what had or had not happened, and the next day Beatrix texted to ask me out so next week I have a date with her. Virgil laughed when I told him and wondered aloud what she is up to.
Read more!

Fucking Awful

Having expended a year's worth of anger in the past four days, I am handling the situation with unnatural calm.

1. My iPhone got wet in my pocket when I got caught in a heavy rainstorm earlier and now the screen is dim and flickery (I have no insurance)
2. I think I am getting thrush (again)
3. Virgil is having dinner with someone (in inverted commas)

There is no solution. I must simply find a way of painlessly passing the next few hours until things become clearer or better.

Deadwood.

Read more!