Thursday, 29 April 2010

Doldrums

The last person I talk to is Amelia. Amelia is gentle and thoughtful, fragile looking but strong inside. Exploring kink in a most imaginative and personal way, she plays both queens and pony girls. We met in unusual circumstances in a pay-by-the-hour commercial dungeon in the centre of the city, introduced by the Dom, who was, and probably still is, an orchestrator of people. I was presented, naked and collared, to Amelia. She sat masked on a wooden 'throne'. I kissed her brown leather boots and called her Mistress. Then she got to witness the spectacle of the Dom, his enormous frame gleaming white in leather shorts, flogging me first on my knees and then tied to a ceiling beam, while The Four Seasons played in the background. I vaguely remember kneeling on a horse and going down on her while the Dom fucked me from behind. 

The Dom ejaculated and our time was up. Amelia and I were ejected onto the pavement. The Dom swept off on his motorbike and we stumbled onto the tube in rush hour together. We've stayed in touch ever since. Now we are sitting by the side of a wooden dancefloor in the west of the city, recovering from our beginner's class and watching more advanced couples dance Lindy Hop, Charleston and jive. Amelia's partner Thomas is among them. They are quite a new couple too and, in name, have an open relationship.

Like me with Virgil, Amelia met Thomas during a period of exploration and she still occasionally meets other people for BDSM play, "But although it's sexual it's never for actual sex," she says. "Penetrative sex? No... It would be too much."  I explain what Virgil wants from an open relationship. We agree that me and Virgil need to talk much more about what romance means. She also says that although Thomas doesn't seem to object to her occasional assignations, which she tells him about, he doesn't seem to want to talk about them. He just says "Oh," and changes the subject. She would like to be able to discuss them with him and worries slightly about this.

I feel like I've talked to everyone but Virgil this last week. But I don't feel much clearer than I did before. Instead I feel gloomy and doomed. I'm starting to try to imagine life without Virgil. It doesn't help that I have no work, another thing to be miserable about. I can't even get angry about anything this week. Where are the successful poly people? Probably too busy with their rampant sex lives. Everyone I've asked says either that they're doing it but not enjoying it, that they were doing it but had to stop as it was too difficult, or that they've split up for other reasons. It's a small survey sample but it doesn't fill me with confidence. 

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