Sunday, 27 November 2011

Out Alone

I dressed up and went alone to the play party but I talked to friends and (disappointingly) did not play. There was a very sexy French woman working in the cloakroom. A mutual friend who Virgil and I topped together not so long ago had told her all about me. I assume that she told her about the topping because of the way Hannah raised her eyebrows when she said 'all' about me. I should have made an overt offer. Instead we chatted. Maybe it would have happened but I got tired and went home. If we meet again I think it is a situation with potential.

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Friday, 25 November 2011

I bore myself but it's not all doom and gloom

We can have an open relationship but only if it's not fun for anyone. The tension starts at least a day before the date, maybe even earlier. I start wondering whether we're going to have sex before the date. I may have mentioned this before, but I always want more sex than Virgil and I keep count.

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Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Hopeless jitters

It's a double date day. Virgil is going out with Sarah to see a show and Robert is coming over here for a dinner. How convenient for the purposes of an open relationship yet how trying. I am at sea. Nerves sit queasily on jealousy. An impending client from hell this afternoon provides another focus of misery. I should not drink coffee on days like this.

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Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Needing or deserving?

Some submissives are able to say that they deserve a beating. I envy them. It probably helps them get what they want. All I know is that, whatever my behaviour has been like (frequently lacking), I am often in need of a beating. Whether I deserve it or not I cannot judge. Although being spanked, flogged, caned and so on is one of my favourite things ever I'd much rather pretend not to enjoy it (at first).

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Sunday, 20 November 2011

News

Tempting as it is to delete the last few postings, I am going to leave them up for posterity and move on. My inner grouch protests but I am feeling a bit better. Fragile but stronger, happier and more positive.

I have a safety-valve: I asked Virgil whether he would be prepared to put our open relationship aside for a month or two if it all got too much. I explained that at the moment trying to change relationship, career and self (while organising a large sex party) feels overwhelming and I don't know how I am going to manage it all in time.

He said yes he would be prepared to do that. I don't think I will ask for it but knowing that he would really helps. It makes me feel like I have some choice.

And I have given notice in one of my jobs, which feels great.
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Monday, 14 November 2011

What is jealousy?

Well, since I am so hopelessly in the zone tonight, I am going to try to define what my jealousy is about.

1. some of my jealousy is undoubtedly ENVY. Specifically, I am envious that Virgil is playing d/s games with other people and not with me.

2. I am a COMPETITIVE NIGHTMARE. Virgil seems to attract more people than I do. That is so annoying...  and what if they are more attractive, cooler or simply more interesting than me?

3. SCARCITY: I worry that there will not be enough sex left for me when he has finished having sex with other people.

4... is a fear of feeling left out while other people have fun without me.

I do not worry that Virgil does not love me. I think he really does. I think part of my awful behaviour is that I've been testing him, and he hasn't disappointed. However, INSECURITY hangs around like a bad smell in our relationship because I feel that I am too dependent on it.

Sometimes I would give anything for the age gap to be reversed in our relationship. Being a 40-year-old woman with a 33-year-old man is not easy. It doesn't matter how youthful I look.

Oh, here's another one: I am ASHAMED of my jealousy and all the negative hurt and angry feelings that I have been having.
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Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

I am totally furious but in a very numb way. Much slamming doors and shouting earlier. I feel as though I will never feel hungry or sleepy again, anything except for pissed off. I am positively humming, thrumming, throbbing with bad feeling. I can't cry or do anything.

Even though it's 8.45, Virgil is trying to go to sleep. This makes me furious.

We were trying to talk but it just went wrong. We were talking at cross purposes and had only bad things to say about each other somehow. I don't understand what is going on. I just get so angry. Nothing can get in or out.

I cannot make sense of this tonight.

I said, Yes we can talk. Tell me all the things you need to tell me. I can't ask because I am afraid that the answers will upset me. He says, you aren't interested in what I'm doing. I can't talk to you. You don't ask. I say, Meet me in the middle then. Don't expect me to suddenly have loads of questions for you. I've already asked them. I already know quite a lot about Sarah, for example. He asks me to tell him what I know, which makes me angry because repeating them is like sticking pins into myself and why would I want to do that? It just feels so raw and painful, every bit of it. I am being dragged kicking and screaming...

I want to scream and throw things and cry and make up with him and talk until sunrise but there is nothing I can do. He won't do it and I can't make him.

I sit in the living room and Google 'open relationship'. It takes me to a page on managing jealousy and I read it through twice.

Virgil is probably asleep now, with the door open, which I have not allowed him to shut. Maybe even the light on. I don't go and look. I'm going to stay here and read about jealousy in open relationships and hope that there will be some light at the end of the tunnel.

What's my trigger? It's mostly about him being intimate with other people. Feelings always come in to it where he's concerned and I'm jealous about him having feelings for other people. I'm not jealous of his friendships, though, just his lovers. Another factor is that my own desire to have sex with other people is motivated partly by a feeling of having not enough sex in our relationship. This is called an economy of scarcity, apparently.

Reading about other people's problems and the solutions they find to deal with them is making me feel a bit better. I have to find a way to put down my anger and jealousy and pain. It is only me that is holding on to it. Nobody is making me do this but myself. I'm going to go and find the Ethical Slut and read it with a cup of herbal tea and try to calm down a bit more.

I'm fucking sick of how much time and energy this is taking. I want to see other people and do other things, forget about it for a bit and have fun. At the same time, it is all I can think about.
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Date

The Ethical Slut says that you might find it helpful to keep a notebook in which you just write FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK when your open relationship is doing your head in and that's ok. Maybe I'm not a totally fuck-up. I'd quite like to have a room to go to where I can scream it as loudly as possible and beat my hands against a soft wall. Oh hang on, such rooms do exist and I'd rather not.

I went on a date with someone yesterday. I didn't mention it earlier because I hadn't posted for days and there were so many other things to write about.

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Sunday, 13 November 2011

Collision course


We’re talking about anger. Virgil says he feels the anger I’m communicating is a step back but I think it’s progress. I say, At least it’s honest anger. At least I’m saying ‘I feel angry and it’s because…’ rather than shouting at you about trivial things.

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Co-writers


Working together is so fucking hard sometimes. Sitting in a café over breakfast, my pledge not to raise my voice at Virgil goes out of the window. He accuses me of losing my temper. I assure him I haven’t but don’t lower my voice.

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Clarity


I realised something a few days ago and felt happier than I’d done for ages: that my jealousy extends far beyond Virgil having lovers. I actually resent him having any good thing in his life that doesn’t involve me.

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Monday, 7 November 2011

Break-up date

Instead of feeling blue that Virgil is out on another date with Sarah tonight I am mostly feeling sorry for Michel. I just called things off with him.

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We Believe In Joni

Last night we spent an entire hour close together. There was no tension. My head was on Virgil's shoulder. He leaned against me. We held hands. We barely moved but we pulsed against each other. We didn't say one word because we were listening to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5782PQO5is
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Sunday, 6 November 2011

Hell Bent

Came home from work last night knowing that Virgil was off on a date. He had been too quiet - no Facebook or Twitter activity, no texts or emails. There is no privacy these days. The flat was empty. I swallowed, got ready for bed, read Feel The Fear... as though my life depended on it.

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Saturday, 5 November 2011

I shallt not

Continue to feel very dull. I was insomniac last night for several hours and then had restless dreams until the morning. Virgil was awake some of the night too, cross with me for being restless. In the end I read from Feel The Fear... and told myself: 'I can handle it', and 'Don't take things too seriously'. It's all good advice. I almost don't care anymore. Lighten up, Harlot!

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Friday, 4 November 2011

Queen of Passive Aggression

We just came back from our third relationship counselling session. I feel rather dull. I had thought it went all right - not quite what we had anticipated but better than the week before when I basically just vented about my fear of being cuckolded (although in retrospect getting out all that bile was actually a quite useful - and I don't know if I would have been able to say it outside a session).

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Thursday, 3 November 2011

I want you just because I can?

Having finally had sex with someone else other than Virgil last week, I am in two minds about whether I want to see Michel again. I feel guilty about this. In the meantime he sends me affectionate texts and emails. I think he's going to get hurt.

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Sick thoughts

Ill. I have lost my voice, possibly due to an extra-loud rendition of Love Shack at a karaoke party. However, it happened, writing is better than talking at the moment. Virgil is ill too with a similar thing. Man flu, I believe his variant of it is called. We both look and smell awful, haven't washed for days. I think smelling bad is a side-effect of being ill. The heroic amounts of vitamin C I have been taking haven't helped but Virgil stinks too and all he takes is Lemsip and Ribena.

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