Day 16 PV

I fret about work and worry horribly about Virgil.

I want to curl up and do nothing except potter in my garden. Unfortunately I have bills to pay. For no stated reason I stop being offered shifts at the scandalous rag. A new person takes over the rota and I (always at the bottom anyway) am no longer on it. When I ask he says there aren't many shifts around but he's working on it (as though shifts are something he produces). I should probably look for other work. Am I capable of looking for other work?

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Back

I know that I am not addicted to blogging. This is because I can leave it and walk away. (I didn't read anyone else's blog while I was away either.) I walked away on holiday with Virgil at the end of August. We came back a few weeks ago. Then we were busy with a joint project which is now out of the way. It was at least a partial success. Virgil left yesterday on a business trip. It's morning now for him, for me night. It's time to start writing again.

I have decided to give up one of the things I do for work. I spent a long time and a great deal of money training for it. I will be paying off the student loan for many years. It has taken me a long time to see it but I now understand that the only thing worse than losing seven years on this venture is the time and energy I now spend prevaricating and agonising over my lack of success at something I clearly do not want to put the effort into making... work. I'd like that part of my brain back please.

Generally, if I really want to do a thing I do it. I find the time. I find a way. Nothing will grow if you don't nurture it. I haven't been doing anything with this work not because I'm scared or lazy: I just do not want it badly enough to do what is needed to succeed. This thing is just not me - I want to find the things that I can do well and feel proud of.

I have an appointment with Deirdre tomorrow. It's a last chance to turn back before I give notice and tell my clients that I will be taking a sabbatical. When I last talked about giving up Deirdre asked if I was sure I was in a good place to be making this sort of big decision. At the time I agreed that I was not. Now I think I am. Going away really helped clear my head. 

More soon. Goodnight.
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Back again

It is not fair but I am angry with Virgil.

I leave and when I get home send an email explaining that I will no longer prioritise seeing him at weekends. Virgil goes out with Sarah while I work on Saturday nights. But when asked I tell people that I already have plans for the weekend. Only being available during the week is a city phenomenon. It hints at exciting weekends planned well in advance with A-list weekend friends. The truth is more mundane: cinema, meals, nights in and early to sleep. I am unhappy with my social life. I am jealous of Virgil and Sarah. Although I miss Virgil terribly, most of the time, I have to start doing more things on my own.

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A self-help hard limit

Now, I'm quite heavily into my self-help just at the moment. Of course I am! What else is there to do when you bump up against the realization that nothing's working in your life and the common factor is you? No one else can do this work for me and there is much work to be done. The truth: I'm finding self-help really helpful! Thanks, in particular, go to Neale Donald Walsch.

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News

Tempting as it is to delete the last few postings, I am going to leave them up for posterity and move on. My inner grouch protests but I am feeling a bit better. Fragile but stronger, happier and more positive.

I have a safety-valve: I asked Virgil whether he would be prepared to put our open relationship aside for a month or two if it all got too much. I explained that at the moment trying to change relationship, career and self (while organising a large sex party) feels overwhelming and I don't know how I am going to manage it all in time.

He said yes he would be prepared to do that. I don't think I will ask for it but knowing that he would really helps. It makes me feel like I have some choice.

And I have given notice in one of my jobs, which feels great.
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Sick thoughts

Ill. I have lost my voice, possibly due to an extra-loud rendition of Love Shack at a karaoke party. However, it happened, writing is better than talking at the moment. Virgil is ill too with a similar thing. Man flu, I believe his variant of it is called. We both look and smell awful, haven't washed for days. I think smelling bad is a side-effect of being ill. The heroic amounts of vitamin C I have been taking haven't helped but Virgil stinks too and all he takes is Lemsip and Ribena.

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