Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Too much thinking and SHBs but I set something in motion

Virgil (curse him) once told me that people who read self-help books use them to replace real change with reading self-help books. I think I use SHBs in times of crisis to get myself back on the straight and narrow, to tame my violent mind and unruly thoughts. When things start to spiral out of control SHBs can offer some perspective and stop me flying off the handle. I just bought another one. It's by Wayne Dyer. I'll let you know how it goes.

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Saturday, 11 August 2012

Insect kink

This housesit is giving me some peace at last. It's very familiar and comforting. It takes me back to how I lived before I met Virgil. I eat brown rice and vegetables. I sit in the garden. There's a lavender bush with bees bobbing around in it. Several spiders have built webs in the bush too. One has caught a bee and tied it up. I think about being tied up and how long it has been.

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Friday, 10 August 2012


I buy myself a Lelo Gigi. Then I take a picture of it and send it to Virgil. It's an important step: having claimed squatter's rights on his for the last three years I now have my own. It's in pale pink so there can be no question of ownership.

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Back again

It is not fair but I am angry with Virgil.

I leave and when I get home send an email explaining that I will no longer prioritise seeing him at weekends. Virgil goes out with Sarah while I work on Saturday nights. But when asked I tell people that I already have plans for the weekend. Only being available during the week is a city phenomenon. It hints at exciting weekends planned well in advance with A-list weekend friends. The truth is more mundane: cinema, meals, nights in and early to sleep. I am unhappy with my social life. I am jealous of Virgil and Sarah. Although I miss Virgil terribly, most of the time, I have to start doing more things on my own.

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Tuesday, 7 August 2012


It turns out that Virgil doesn't know much about herpes either. We spend some time reading about Valtrex, the drug Tim buys on the internet because they don't prescribe it here. With remarkable restraint, the official website says: 'Living with genital herpes can be a hassle. When you have a herpes outbreak, it can feel like it takes days out of your life.' Tim's herpes is on the end of his cock and it's taking longer to clear up than he'd thought it would. Not that he's had many outbreaks so it's probably just longer than he'd hoped.

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Saturday, 4 August 2012


This morning Virgil wants to talk about holiday plans but I'm stewing about Sarah. I want to know but don't want to ask whether he has plans to see her today. Why hasn't he told me more about what's going on between them anyway? All he said recently was that they were going on dates but not having sex. When I asked why he replied that he hadn't wanted to. He said he had just wanted to go home and get on with his work. I didn't understand and still don't, but I have baulked at initiating the conversation. Instead I start to talk about STDs.

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An engagement (not mine)

Predictably, things have taken a turn for the better. Well they had to.

A housesit falls into my lap. It begins tomorrow, making tonight probably the last I will spend in the chaotic warehouse of dogs and Luz. After the housesit Virgil and I will be on holiday and, after that, there will be a new house. I hope Luz and I will part on reasonably good terms. Sometimes it's good to hold one's tongue a little bit.

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