Tuesday, 31 January 2012

What's my motivation?

Here's a thorny question: At our counselling session I am spouting off about how painful it is for me when Virgil goes off on dates. How difficult I find the idea of him being intimate in a meaningful way with other people. How much it hurts to imagine him being excited about, kissing and having sex with other women who he is attached to. I can't stop going on about it. D says, What do you get out of feeling like that?

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A Few Sleeps

Several sleeps later I don't feel quite so bad. I still don't feel remotely like having sex though.
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Sunday, 29 January 2012

Shock reaction

Time crawls on this graveyard shift. I am in shock and very sad. Virgil is sad and sorry and ashamed. Earlier he was not able to tell me his thought processes exactly or why he decided to get high so that he could have sex with me. I feel betrayed, dirty and used. I can't understand why he thought that was ok. It's a disrespectful and dishonest thing to do. It's lying. I don't understand why Virgil would even think that I would want him to do that. I just keep thinking: what can he think of me? How little can he think of me that he would think of doing that? How bad have things got?

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Bad Sex

I'm just finishing a three-day weekend of graveyard shifts. It's not good for the soul. I'm not busy enough today to distract me from the memory of what happened when I got home last night.

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All work

We had the most delicious cuddle in bed this morning, Virgil and me. It was heavenly. We were so close. For a moment I hoped it might turn into a fuck but my luck was not in. He made breakfast while I played with my new vibrators. He could have stayed and learned how to use them on me but he seemed shy so I said he didn't have to. I've lost track of when we last had sex. It was weeks ago. I have made a few remarks but there's no point badgering him because that makes it worse.

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Talking about therapy

I applied for low-cost (read trainee) Gestalt therapy. No, I don't know what that is either, but our relationship counsellor Douglas suggested it and we trust Douglas.

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Friday, 27 January 2012

My Dad

It's an odd trajectory when you start writing a sex blog which becomes an open relationship angst-fest and then you find yourself writing about your dad. Where am I going with this? I had an embattled relationship with my dad. He died of cancer when I was 20. He was diagnosed when I was 13. My dad died nearly twenty years ago, which is half my lifetime. I suspect no one has exerted such a strong influence on me or shaped my character as much as he did.

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Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I go fishing and catch some cod psychology

Today I have a virus. I stay in bed and read Opening Up. In between reads are bouts of crying and looking at other blogs and writings on open relationships. I make frequent cups of tea and cover my chest in Vicks Vapo-rub. I also find out that my two new vibrators are great fun and indulge in several marathon masturbation sessions. I don't think masturbating is a good idea when you are ill, though. Having ten orgasms is draining for an ill harlot, even if they are electronically induced and require little exertion.

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Saturday, 21 January 2012

Brain fight

I believe that brains can be retrained. Therefore it must be possible to retrain my own. I want to change my thought patterns. At some point I might have to pay someone else for this service but thinking is free.

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Monday, 16 January 2012

Pot shots and sexual fatigue

We are checking in. We do this every day at the moment. The main benefit of this is that it keeps us in fair fighting mode and we communicate better.

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The anger book

Any regular visitor to these pages will know that I have a temper. Check me out on my new tag cloud. Anger is right up there. I am an angry woman and it's not pretty. Recently I decided that getting control of my rage would be a good first step in trying to sort out the mess I'm making.

Things have got worse recently. There was a night where I smashed three glasses in front of Virgil and then tried to pull his laptop out of his hands. I ended up sweeping the bedroom floor in a rage before sleeping (badly) on the sofa. I felt exhilarated and scared and absolutely incandescently but coldly angry. I don't want to be that person. I was desperate for Virgil to come and cuddle me and bring me back down but I had put myself somewhere where he was not going to come and get me. And I don't mean the sofa.

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Exercise some mind control

I am trying not to catastrophize. It's one of my new strategies. I don't like bursting into tears while on the tube or getting my bike out of the bikeroom. Also I don't think that encouraging unhealthy trains of thought will help me to feel better about the situation. I don't want to wear my neuronal pathways any deeper.

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Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Is anyone happy in Polywood?

I would prefer not to have to consider the emotions of people other than Virgil and myself but I now accept this head-in-the-sand mentality has to stop. We had a long and painful conversation about how things had gone with Sarah the other day.  Now Sarah knows all about us and we know a lot more about her.

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Monday, 9 January 2012

Breaks and taking them

At 16.29 I text Virgil to ask (if he is free) could he book some tickets for something we want to see. The parentheses are because he is seeing Sarah today and I don't want to interrupt. At 23:03 he texts back to say he will do it later. I suppose that is his way of saying that he is now free.

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Saturday, 7 January 2012

Bad vibes, generally

This week I did beaucoup de research on vibrators. Not only did I peruse Lovehoney's demonstration videos and customer reviews until my head ached, I went to actual sex shops and tested them in person. After the recent Eroscillator disappointment and another costly mistake with a Lelo Ina (they pinch - can't recommend) I wanted to get it right.

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Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Hiatus interrupted

For the past month Virgil hasn't seen Sarah. She has been visiting her native land, wonderfully far away. We planned our play party but otherwise fucked and dated only each other. There has been a lot of love and tenderness. It has felt healing and restful. For the first time in months there hasn't been the weekly emotional hurdle to get through of one or other of us going on a date. It was in the back of my mind that Sarah would be coming back but I hadn't given it much thought. I've been thinking more about his suggestion that we take a break from our open relationship to focus on our (well, my) issues.

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Post-party blues

It's probably partly the after-effects of the stimulants I took over New Year's Eve. Everything seems wrong with my life today.

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New year new motivation?

After weeks of nearly nothing, engendering the creeping suspicion that I am indeed an undesirable, my OkCupid inbox is finally seeing some action. Must be the start of the new year. I'm not sure what to do. We are thinking about taking a break from the whole open relationship thing. More on that decision and how our New Year's party went will follow soon.
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