Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I go fishing and catch some cod psychology

Today I have a virus. I stay in bed and read Opening Up. In between reads are bouts of crying and looking at other blogs and writings on open relationships. I make frequent cups of tea and cover my chest in Vicks Vapo-rub. I also find out that my two new vibrators are great fun and indulge in several marathon masturbation sessions. I don't think masturbating is a good idea when you are ill, though. Having ten orgasms is draining for an ill harlot, even if they are electronically induced and require little exertion.

Was I ever dismissive of self-help books? Thinking you can work it out for yourself is part of the ignorance and arrogance of youth.

I think, I think, I think.

Much of my distress and difficulty with the idea of an open relationship stems from a fear of abandonment. I cannot stand the idea of Virgil forming any romantic or emotional attachments to other people that might jeopardise his feelings for me. From this poisonous seed comes competitiveness, fear, jealousy, depression and so on.

So what might I need to know to feel reassured? I'd like to know that anyone else Virgil sees (or - ugh! - dates) is less important than me in every way. I want to know that I am absolutely his priority. He shouldn't care about seeing them too often or for too long either. He shouldn't have too much contact with them between meetings. I shouldn't have to avert my eyes when his phone screen lights up with a message. He shouldn't do d/s with anyone if he refuses to do it with me. I should probably get to meet these girls to satisfy myself that they are not a threat. I need to be able to feel that they are not too important.

This is all terrible rubbish. I cannot control what Virgil feels and thinks. Banning the signifiers of emotional or romantic involvement doesn't mean that those feelings won't exist. Fuck Virgil for insisting on his own terminology - 'dating'! Damn his honesty.

Maybe this idea of a single original cause is too simplistic. Maybe I would LIKE it to only be one thing that I need to get a handle on.

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