Things have got worse recently. There was a night where I smashed three glasses in front of T and then tried to pull his laptop out of his hands. I ended up sweeping the bedroom floor in a rage before sleeping (badly) on the sofa. I felt exhilarated and scared and absolutely incandescently but coldly angry. I don't want to be that person. I was desperate for T to come and cuddle me and bring me back down but I had put myself somewhere where he was not going to come and get me. And I don't mean the sofa.
This is why I need to change my curmudgeonly ways:
- I am not happy. I'm tired of being angry and distant from people.
- I use anger to avoid other emotions.
- My life is stuck because I am not dealing with these other emotions.
- I use anger to try to control people and situations.
- It's not fair on T. We can't sort out our problems while I'm so volatile.
- Other people are not the enemy, except in my world.
I order a book online. It is called Angry All The Time. I know how that feels. I feel as though I need to read it straight away but there is no Kindle version.
The book takes a few days to dispatch. I email the company to ask when they will be sending it. I tell them I need it very urgently. I am not blind to the humour in this. I must sound like a lunatic.
My first thought after reading a few pages is that I am not nearly as bad as the people this book was written for. I wonder, briefly, whether in fact I do have an anger problem. The intended audience of the book seem to be men on the verge of a shotgun rampage. The style is conversational, straight-talking.
I start reading it to T in bed using my best wiseguy accent. We fall about laughing. It's an anger-management book for James Gandolfini, but I am reading it.
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