Tuesday, 31 January 2012

What's my motivation?

Here's a thorny question: At our counselling session I am spouting off about how painful it is for me when Virgil goes off on dates. How difficult I find the idea of him being intimate in a meaningful way with other people. How much it hurts to imagine him being excited about, kissing and having sex with other women who he is attached to. I can't stop going on about it. D says, What do you get out of feeling like that?

I don't know, I say. I have no idea. The opportunity to be horrible to Virgil and punish him for it? I get nothing nice from it.

I say, Are you getting transactional on me? Virgil doesn't understand so I explain, It's the idea that you 'get' something from every situation you create. I don't have to feel like this so I must be getting something from it on some level, even if it's subconscious.

Virgil says, Maybe you're recreating your feelings of grief and unrequited love? I hate this idea so much that I have to at least entertain the idea that there might be something in it. Virgil says maybe unrequited love is more exciting and perfect than real love. I'm not sure about that. I don't rate his powers of interpretation and analysis too highly if I'm honest.

I mean, my interpretation of events is so different from Virgil's. Why can't I trust him and take his word for it, if nothing else?

Grief, loss, unrequited love, the feeling I get when I imagine Virgil off on solo adventures. The only thing I can say with any certainty that they have in common is that they are not my choice and they are situations that are out of my control.


  1. Goddamit, RH, you're feeling jealous! It's a natural emotion that occurs throughout the animal kingdom for sound biological reasons - i.e. to discourage competitors from stealing your mate. Pelicans have the same feelings that you do! I don't know why so you're determined to fight against Nature, but when such battles occur it is usually Nature than wins.

  2. It's true: I am a territorial harlot but I don't think this is serving me well.