Breaks and taking them

At 16.29 I text T to ask (if he is free) could he book some tickets for something we want to see. The parentheses are because he is seeing H today and I don't want to interrupt. At 23:03 he texts back to say he will do it later. I suppose that is his way of saying that he is now free.

Today T and H had their first date in over a month. It was also their last for an indefinite period of time. It was a 'we're going to have to take a break' date. I wondered whether H knew this in advance and whether in hindsight she would have preferred to spend her Saturday evening differently, maybe with one of her other play partners. I don't say this to T. It's his thing to sort out. I hope H isn't actually hurt by this, beyond the normal disappointment that she could be expected to feel.

I wonder whether H depilated, wore special underwear or fantasized in advance about what might happen between them today. It's been a while, after all. Then again, she might have thought very little about it. I will never know. I should never know. Why do I care if she did? This kind of thinking will be the undoing of me.

Almost everything makes me feel sad at the moment, or mean. I even tell T that I don't feel good about the break situation with H. Although I have a powerful aversion to H's existence I have (almost) nothing against her personally. It would not be true to say there is no abstract jealousy and resentment directed her way.

I explain that H is like a thorn in my side or a splinter in my shoe. She is something in my life that I did not choose and am not comfortable with. I like the analogy I have created. It's a small drop of pleasure in the day.

We are now officially on a break from solo adventures. This is a relief but I fear T's resentment. There is a lot of work to do during this break, on myself mostly. My worst fear is that this is simply some kind of drawn-out end game. On the positive side, it's good for me that T's not seeing H anymore. My heart is lighter for it.

To try to explain: I was never happy about him seeing her. I was not ready for him to be seeing someone. It felt imposed on me. I was jealous that he had met someone. I hated that I didn't know H but I didn't want to meet her (didn't see how I could possibly do so when she was already his lover). The whole thing, our counsellor D pointed out the other day, is that it felt like an affair to me. It's true. Honestly I don't know if H will ever be free of that taint but I hope that when we start again it will be better.

At 23:47 T phones to 'check in' and tell me, unnecessarily, that he has bought the tickets. I ask if he is ok. He pauses momentarily and sounds a bit sad when he says, I'm all right. We talk for a minute and then he asks if I am ok. I also pause for a moment before I say the same thing. Then he says, It's ok. We'll be together all day tomorrow.