Monday, 9 January 2012

Breaks and taking them

At 16.29 I text Virgil to ask (if he is free) could he book some tickets for something we want to see. The parentheses are because he is seeing Sarah today and I don't want to interrupt. At 23:03 he texts back to say he will do it later. I suppose that is his way of saying that he is now free.

Today Virgil and Sarah had their first date in over a month. It was also their last for an indefinite period of time. It was a 'we're going to have to take a break' date. I wondered whether Sarah knew this in advance and whether in hindsight she would have preferred to spend her Saturday evening differently, maybe with one of her other play partners. I don't say this to Virgil. It's his thing to sort out. I hope Sarah isn't actually hurt by this, beyond the normal disappointment that she could be expected to feel.

I wonder whether Sarah depilated, wore special underwear or fantasized in advance about what might happen between them today. It's been a while, after all. Then again, she might have thought very little about it. I will never know. I should never know. Why do I care if she did? This kind of thinking will be the undoing of me.

Almost everything makes me feel sad at the moment, or mean. I even tell Virgil that I don't feel good about the break situation with Sarah. Although I have a powerful aversion to Sarah's existence I have (almost) nothing against her personally. It would not be true to say there is no abstract jealousy and resentment directed her way.

I explain that Sarah is like a thorn in my side or a splinter in my shoe. She is something in my life that I did not choose and am not comfortable with. I like the analogy I have created. It's a small drop of pleasure in the day.

We are now officially on a break from solo adventures. This is a relief but I fear Virgil's resentment. There is a lot of work to do during this break, on myself mostly. My worst fear is that this is simply some kind of drawn-out end game. On the positive side, it's good for me that Virgil's not seeing Sarah anymore. My heart is lighter for it.

To try to explain: I was never happy about him seeing her. I was not ready for him to be seeing someone. It felt imposed on me. I was jealous that he had met someone. I hated that I didn't know Sarah but I didn't want to meet her (didn't see how I could possibly do so when she was already his lover). The whole thing, our counsellor Douglas pointed out the other day, is that it felt like an affair to me. It's true. Honestly I don't know if Sarah will ever be free of that taint but I hope that when we start again it will be better.

At 23:47 Virgil phones to 'check in' and tell me, unnecessarily, that he has bought the tickets. I ask if he is ok. He pauses momentarily and sounds a bit sad when he says, I'm all right. We talk for a minute and then he asks if I am ok. I also pause for a moment before I say the same thing. Then he says, It's ok. We'll be together all day tomorrow.

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