Sunday, 29 January 2012

Shock reaction

Time crawls on this graveyard shift. I am in shock and very sad. Virgil is sad and sorry and ashamed. Earlier he was not able to tell me his thought processes exactly or why he decided to get high so that he could have sex with me. I feel betrayed, dirty and used. I can't understand why he thought that was ok. It's a disrespectful and dishonest thing to do. It's lying. I don't understand why Virgil would even think that I would want him to do that. I just keep thinking: what can he think of me? How little can he think of me that he would think of doing that? How bad have things got?

Virgil did manage to say that the situation between us is ruining his sex-drive. He feels frustrated that I don't share his views on open relationships and constrained by my insecurities and the break. The talking and tension are taking their toll. He feels he can't be honest and open because I won't be able to handle what he has to say. He is bottling things up.

This is a mess. Tonight I can't see my way out of it or a way back.

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