Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Hiatus interrupted

For the past month Virgil hasn't seen Sarah. She has been visiting her native land, wonderfully far away. We planned our play party but otherwise fucked and dated only each other. There has been a lot of love and tenderness. It has felt healing and restful. For the first time in months there hasn't been the weekly emotional hurdle to get through of one or other of us going on a date. It was in the back of my mind that Sarah would be coming back but I hadn't given it much thought. I've been thinking more about his suggestion that we take a break from our open relationship to focus on our (well, my) issues.

For one who experiences such jealousy and anguish over their partner's extra-relationship activities, taking a break would seem reasonable. However, I am seriously in two minds about it. I can't forget the feeling on Christmas Eve, sitting on the train back to London having left Virgil at his mum's for Christmas. I was going off to meet my sexy neighbour Dmitri. I just felt so fucking grateful. I felt so lucky and happy that Virgil trusted and loved me and that he respected my freedom so much. I didn't experience one iota of disloyalty or dissatisfaction with him. I was off on a potential sexual adventure with his blessing. I want to be able to do the same for him without crushing him with my heavy-handed, angry love. I am a tenth dan hypocrite.

Today we were in a coffee shop making our excuses by text about someone's birthday celebrations on Friday. They going to a club we don't like. Neither of us want to go. You can't force someone to go to an experimental indie night. Then birthday girl texted Virgil back to invite us to the pub on Saturday instead. I said, Well, you know, if you want to go this Saturday I could swap my shift at work. Virgil, in a slightly strange voice said, No, you don't want to do that because of [something or other unconvincing]...

I knew this tone and tactic. Probably as only a partner could, I realised that Virgil was not being upfront with me. The argument came out of nowhere like a tropical squall. He had arranged a date with Sarah on Saturday. He thought I would be at work. He hadn't told me. I don't blame him considering how touchy things were after the party. Then he had held off because we were going to be discussing taking an open relationship break with our counsellor tomorrow so he might have had to cancel it with Sarah. Then it had come out anyway. I raised my voice at him in the shopping centre and the bank. I stalked around furiously. I snatched off my new earrings and said it was because I wanted to throw them away.

Oh god, my temper is awful. Virgil gets the brunt of it. What all that affront and hostility came down to was that I am totally unnerved by him seeing Sarah again. I feel so unhappy about it all starting again. I really don't know if I can do it. Finally I apologised and confessed.

Then we went off to meet a friend who asked us for advice on open relationships. He is just going public with his girlfriend after six months of seeing each other. She told him over Christmas that she loved him. He said it was the best Christmas present ever. His whole face lit up. I said, Just make sure that if you do it, begin as you mean to go on. The longer you leave it the harder it will be. Virgil nodded like a madman.

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