Friday, 31 May 2013

Day 24 PV

I make a decision about the words I use, and realise I need to extract myself from a situation.

When people ask how I am, I now say: "I am as good as can be expected," and "I am coping reasonably well, thanks."

The words bereft, heartbroken, desolate and so on are still there, lurking around, but I use them less and less. They make me cry and as the more positive statements are also true I decided that these are the ones I will stick to.


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Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Day 21 PV

Oh, what am I doing? I failed at being with Virgil, now I think I'm going to fail at being without him. I want my life back, even though I didn't like it.

All the advice articles I read say a clean break and no contact is essential for moving on. My flatmate Ela thinks so too. But if I cut Virgil out of my life, my social life goes with it. And I can't imagine life without Virgil. I just can't. It's an impossibility. It's like imagining life without your right arm, or food.
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Monday, 27 May 2013

Day 20 PV

In which I spoil a date by being horrible and bursting into tears.

I have Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares to You on repeat in my head. When that stops it's Thank You For the Days by the Kinks.

I'm missing Virgil. Like Crazy. But I'm not thinking of that song.


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Friday, 24 May 2013

Day 18 PV

In which I think about resentment and know I can't go back.

I'm sad but one thing feels good and right: I don't want to be a jealous, resentful person again.


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Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Day 16 PV

I fret about work and worry horribly about Virgil.

I want to curl up and do nothing except potter in my garden. Unfortunately I have bills to pay. For no stated reason I stop being offered shifts at the scandalous rag. A new person takes over the rota and I (always at the bottom anyway) am no longer on it. When I ask he says there aren't many shifts around but he's working on it (as though shifts are something he produces). I should probably look for other work. Am I capable of looking for other work?

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Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Day 15 PV

A reflection on my first sex party as a single, and how it compared with going in a couple.

I'm keeping busy, so busy that I frequently feel exhausted and want nothing more than to crawl into bed. I fall asleep in inappropriate places - the bus, work, college. One important thing I do is go to a private sex party held in honour of Ava's birthday. Me and Ela go.

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Monday, 20 May 2013

Day 14? PV

In which I reflect on the experience of Jay Jones and move on.

An email comes from Jay in response to one from me in which I raise the possibility of friend sex. He'd love to play with me at parties, he says, but doesn't think sex in private is a "good idea". Too much of a blurring between playtime and dating, too much intimacy, for Jay starts to feel like a relationship. He's being kind and careful. I can feel the work he put in and I am grateful.

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Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Day 7 PV

In which I think about my erotic future, and Virgil and I ask each other for help.

Day 7. Lucky number seven. I've slightly gone off this style of blog post title but I'm going to stick with it for now. I saw my therapist Bee yesterday which was good. I came out of the session remembering my deep dissatisfaction with mine and Virgil's sex life. It's true that it had been going on for ages. It wasn't going to get fixed.

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Monday, 13 May 2013

Day 6 PV

I woke up in Jay's bed this morning. That's a first. My open relationship with Virgil had a no overnights clause because I couldn't bear the idea of him being loving with someone else in the morning. It was always good to wake up with Virgil. The idea that it won't happen again has been bothering me to the extent that I texted Virgil to tell him.

There wasn't actually any sex with Jay yesterday or this morning, not even kissing. There was cuddling and some spooning but he kept it firmly non-sexual. I didn't ask why; I just enjoyed the company. It might have been his hangover and tiredness yesterday or maybe he's being careful of my emotional state. Perhaps he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, or perhaps he just didn't want to have sex this time. To ask would be to spoil it. I don't care. We talked, ate dinner and curled up on the sofa to watch a film, which I fell asleep in and missed the last train.

It was a bit of an anticlimax of course, as I had been up for sex, but it was nice and I was glad to see Jay. When I told him about Virgil and splitting up I did it in a very sane way, philosophical, hardly tearing up at all. It sounded plausible and sensible and as though I was coping, which I am.

Other people don't replace Virgil though. There's a tide of unreasonable emotion inside. It's a sea of pain. I feel as though my heart has been pulled out.
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Sunday, 12 May 2013

Day 5 PV... and the 301st entry on this blog

I passed a milestone when I posted last time and didn't notice until later. I have now more than 300 posts on this blog. I'm not proud though: more than anything it's a testament to how little I have promoted my writing. It also feels like an awful lot of work: work on my relationship, work about Virgil. Mulling it over, painful musings, angst, expressing stuff and so on. So much energy expended ... well, I've only myself to worry about from now on. It'll do me good.


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Friday, 10 May 2013

Day 4 PV

A face-to-face with Virgil, on my sofa this morning. We've still broken up. I said I still wanted us to have a relationship, although I wasn't sure what sort. Should we try to just open it up completely? I had known for some time that I wasn't happy committing to him fully in our state of uncertainty. He doesn't want to do that. I said I was open to taking a break and coming back in a few months to see if we want to continue. He said he wants me to move on. We agree that we are going to try to be friends and help each other through it. That's about as good as it gets.


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Thursday, 9 May 2013

Day 3 PV

A phonecall with Virgil yesterday, who is in bed in a bad way. We wept and told each other we want to be in each other's lives. We'll have to talk about how this happens but it made me feel a little better. After all, we're best friends as well as true loves. On my date (how on earth did I manage that?) Eli asked if it felt like a phantom limb. I said: "More like a phantom twin."

All my spider senses are searching for Virgil. The hair on the back of my neck is trying to sense him. I feel his absence acutely. Yesterday I had to tell myself, maybe as much as a hundred times:

"I will love again, and it will be as beautiful."

It's my mantra. Sometimes I vary it. "I can love again..." Then my tongue trips over the words and it comes out as nonsense.

Off to college today. Keeping busy. I will write about Eli later if there's time.
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Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Day 2 PV

Strictly speaking, yesterday was day zero. Waking up this morning is hard. I just went through our joint calendar and copied everything I needed into my own. Then I unsubscribed from it. I wonder how long I will be able to not see Virgil for and what we should do in the future. I entertain thoughts that maybe we can be friends. I love him and care about him.


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Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Day 1 PV

Virgil broke up with me this morning. He said he still loved me but he was tired out and couldn't put in the work anymore. It didn't come out of nowhere but I still feel incredibly sad. I didn't want to split up but he was resolute and there's only so much you can say to try to dissuade someone.

So this is now a post-relationship blog, if it survives. When we broke up briefly last year I poured my heart out here but in the last six months I've barely written.

What is the point of blogging? For me right now it's more of a diary that other people might read. If I'm going to write - and I do want to write. My memory is terrible. I've been thinking about writing a memoir recently but any period of my life not covered by a diary is almost lost to me.

So after Virgil left this morning, the first thing I did was eat half of the bowl of porridge I had made before he came over. I lose my appetite when I'm sad and it's important to be able to function. Only half, mind, and then I couldn't eat anymore. I cried a bit and then went around the flat making mental notes of things that need doing. There are cobwebs under the sink in the bathroom. I'll fix that later. Not nice.

I texted my flatmate Ela: "Virgil just broke up with me. Just so you know :("

Then I removed Virgil from my list of favourite contacts in my phone so I will not be reminded of him every time I make a call. Then I hid him from my Facebook news feed so I will not see his posts. I wrote a philosophical status update about having to let go of the old to let good new things in even if it's scary, but I blocked him from seeing that. You have to tread carefully with that sort of thing. We keep our relationship off Fb but have hundreds of friends in common.

A text came back, not from Ella but from Eli, who I have a date with on Wednesday. It's a first date too. Crap! Actually it's a pretty nice text saying he's been there too and am I ok or would I like to postpone?

So I text Eli back and explain that he has almost the same name as my flatmate but that he might as well know, that the break-up is amicable and life goes on. That it's important to do nice things at times like this. We still have a date tomorrow.

Then I sent the manuscript for my book off to some agents.



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