Slip sliding

Things feel like they're going backwards. I indulge in some wallowing.

It's supposed to be getting easier, but the last few days are a relapse into the tears and hopelessness of the first weeks post-Virgil. I miss him. I think of the good things: our conversations, collaborations and the tenderness that made us appear so affectionate and solid in our love. I have to remind myself about our frustrating sex life, his unwillingness to compromise and my jealousy about Sarah.

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Cabin fever and inertia

Working from home. Ach. Exams in two weeks. I revise on the sofa and fall asleep in the afternoons. I am sad and lack motivation. Everything feels like too much trouble. Seriously. You don't know what it took to type this. I miss Virgil like a mad thing, even though I just spent the evening with him. I have been thinking about how falling in love is not an excuse to give one's power away but that's what I did.
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Day 16 PV

I fret about work and worry horribly about Virgil.

I want to curl up and do nothing except potter in my garden. Unfortunately I have bills to pay. For no stated reason I stop being offered shifts at the scandalous rag. A new person takes over the rota and I (always at the bottom anyway) am no longer on it. When I ask he says there aren't many shifts around but he's working on it (as though shifts are something he produces). I should probably look for other work. Am I capable of looking for other work?

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Love and Fear

Last week, in session with Deirdre, I say: To me, love is the most important thing in the world. It's the only thing that matters in the end. I believe in love and will love simply for love's sake, because it is good. This is not a sentiment one would expect to hear from a harlot but even at my most misanthropic and curmudgeonly it is true.  I don't want to live with a closed heart, even if it means having my heart broken every day.

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Never Leave Me

This morning I wake up at 6am. At 7 I get up and go into the living room to read 'Opening Up'. Douglas, our counsellor, lent it to me. He thinks I might find some helpful advice in it about negotiating open relationships. I had been expressing, with vehemence, my feelings about the book Sarah gave Virgil. Virgil told me afterward that I had looked terrifying.

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What is jealousy?

Well, since I am so hopelessly in the zone tonight, I am going to try to define what my jealousy is about.

1. some of my jealousy is undoubtedly ENVY. Specifically, I am envious that Virgil is playing d/s games with other people and not with me.

2. I am a COMPETITIVE NIGHTMARE. Virgil seems to attract more people than I do. That is so annoying...  and what if they are more attractive, cooler or simply more interesting than me?

3. SCARCITY: I worry that there will not be enough sex left for me when he has finished having sex with other people.

4... is a fear of feeling left out while other people have fun without me.

I do not worry that Virgil does not love me. I think he really does. I think part of my awful behaviour is that I've been testing him, and he hasn't disappointed. However, INSECURITY hangs around like a bad smell in our relationship because I feel that I am too dependent on it.

Sometimes I would give anything for the age gap to be reversed in our relationship. Being a 40-year-old woman with a 33-year-old man is not easy. It doesn't matter how youthful I look.

Oh, here's another one: I am ASHAMED of my jealousy and all the negative hurt and angry feelings that I have been having.
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