Monday, 14 November 2011

What is jealousy?

Well, since I am so hopelessly in the zone tonight, I am going to try to define what my jealousy is about.

1. some of my jealousy is undoubtedly ENVY. Specifically, I am envious that Virgil is playing d/s games with other people and not with me.

2. I am a COMPETITIVE NIGHTMARE. Virgil seems to attract more people than I do. That is so annoying...  and what if they are more attractive, cooler or simply more interesting than me?

3. SCARCITY: I worry that there will not be enough sex left for me when he has finished having sex with other people.

4... is a fear of feeling left out while other people have fun without me.

I do not worry that Virgil does not love me. I think he really does. I think part of my awful behaviour is that I've been testing him, and he hasn't disappointed. However, INSECURITY hangs around like a bad smell in our relationship because I feel that I am too dependent on it.

Sometimes I would give anything for the age gap to be reversed in our relationship. Being a 40-year-old woman with a 33-year-old man is not easy. It doesn't matter how youthful I look.

Oh, here's another one: I am ASHAMED of my jealousy and all the negative hurt and angry feelings that I have been having.

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