Monday, 7 November 2011

Break-up date

Instead of feeling blue that Virgil is out on another date with Sarah tonight I am mostly feeling sorry for Michel. I just called things off with him.

I'll be honest: I am also a bit miserable that my date was a break up while Virgil's probably having a nice time. I am secretly hoping that he will come home early enough for me to entertain the thought that he might not have fucked Sarah this evening. That maybe they just went out to dinner instead. Right... I haven't had sex with Virgil for eight days now. On the scoreboard of sex with Virgil I am currently several points behind Sarah and, to be honest, I think as the partner I should always win.

I could have had sex with Michel tonight. Unfortunately, as he reached for me and kissed me gently, it felt utterly wrong. I couldn't do it. Sex on a plate and I didn't want it. First I excused myself on grounds of tiredness. He said that was fine and not a problem. I realised that I had to do the honest thing and finish it. 

Michel was more upset than I had allowed myself to consider he might be. I'm really sorry for luring him into a situation in which he got hurt. He's kind and gentle. He cooks well, dresses well, has an interesting flat, likes good films, knows interesting things. He's lost his confidence recently and had some knock-backs. Apparently I was just the most recent. I think he's feeling in need of some love.

I gave him some reasons, mostly of the it's-not-you-it's-me variety. That was a partial truth. What's really wrong with Michel? I think that the crux of it is that he's too vulnerable and morose. We're too alike in that respect and that is not what I need. My ideal thing right now? BDSM. Nice and simple and straightforward. I want some d/s games. And I want to laugh.

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