Monday, 14 November 2011

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

I am totally furious but in a very numb way. Much slamming doors and shouting earlier. I feel as though I will never feel hungry or sleepy again, anything except for pissed off. I am positively humming, thrumming, throbbing with bad feeling. I can't cry or do anything.

Even though it's 8.45, Virgil is trying to go to sleep. This makes me furious.

We were trying to talk but it just went wrong. We were talking at cross purposes and had only bad things to say about each other somehow. I don't understand what is going on. I just get so angry. Nothing can get in or out.

I cannot make sense of this tonight.

I said, Yes we can talk. Tell me all the things you need to tell me. I can't ask because I am afraid that the answers will upset me. He says, you aren't interested in what I'm doing. I can't talk to you. You don't ask. I say, Meet me in the middle then. Don't expect me to suddenly have loads of questions for you. I've already asked them. I already know quite a lot about Sarah, for example. He asks me to tell him what I know, which makes me angry because repeating them is like sticking pins into myself and why would I want to do that? It just feels so raw and painful, every bit of it. I am being dragged kicking and screaming...

I want to scream and throw things and cry and make up with him and talk until sunrise but there is nothing I can do. He won't do it and I can't make him.

I sit in the living room and Google 'open relationship'. It takes me to a page on managing jealousy and I read it through twice.

Virgil is probably asleep now, with the door open, which I have not allowed him to shut. Maybe even the light on. I don't go and look. I'm going to stay here and read about jealousy in open relationships and hope that there will be some light at the end of the tunnel.

What's my trigger? It's mostly about him being intimate with other people. Feelings always come in to it where he's concerned and I'm jealous about him having feelings for other people. I'm not jealous of his friendships, though, just his lovers. Another factor is that my own desire to have sex with other people is motivated partly by a feeling of having not enough sex in our relationship. This is called an economy of scarcity, apparently.

Reading about other people's problems and the solutions they find to deal with them is making me feel a bit better. I have to find a way to put down my anger and jealousy and pain. It is only me that is holding on to it. Nobody is making me do this but myself. I'm going to go and find the Ethical Slut and read it with a cup of herbal tea and try to calm down a bit more.

I'm fucking sick of how much time and energy this is taking. I want to see other people and do other things, forget about it for a bit and have fun. At the same time, it is all I can think about.

No comments:

Post a Comment