Friday, 25 November 2011

I bore myself but it's not all doom and gloom

We can have an open relationship but only if it's not fun for anyone. The tension starts at least a day before the date, maybe even earlier. I start wondering whether we're going to have sex before the date. I may have mentioned this before, but I always want more sex than Virgil and I keep count.

The last date day was worse than previous dates. I don't know why. It's clearly not about 'getting used' to anything. I don't like to be around Virgil on either side of a date. Before I went out to work that afternoon I wrote furiously and shed tears. I slammed the door on my way out. He came out into the hall after me. Did you slam the door? Only a little bit, I said, and left. 

That evening we had our dates.

He came home about 40 minutes after Robert had left. I was lying on my side facing away from the door. I waited for him to come into the bedroom and then said only, I'm awake. Virgil wanted to know if I wanted to be touched. I did not want to be touched. He asked if I wanted to talk and I said, No, and it's two o'clock. I'm not happy about being awake at all. And then I said, FUCK OFF actually. I told him to get out and sleep in the other room. Then when he agreed I realised that I would miss him so I said, No, I'll go into the other room. 

I went into the other room. I came back. I told him how pissed off and hurt I felt. Finally we could touch and (much too late for a weeknight) we fell asleep together. I was angry again in the morning, though. I told Virgil to get out of my face. I need him to back off when I'm upset in this way. It needs to be me that chooses when to come to him.

I don't like the feel of Virgil's skin when he has just been with another person without me. I don't like the smell or to know details of his date. I noticed a book on his desk today and he told me that Sarah had given it to him. I said, Oh. It was burning my fingers but I looked briefly before putting it back. He told me a bit about it and I didn't stop him. I managed not to react or look angry. It felt like some small progress and we ate dinner together. 

Now I remember that it's there. I would like to throw that book out of the window. I don't like it being in my flat. 

It doesn't matter that I had Robert over for dinner that same night. Jealousy is not rational or reasonable. I am really trying but even writing and thinking about these things stirs up the bad feelings inside. Or am I really trying? Maybe not enough. I think I'm still punishing him. 

Trying to break the impasse of my emotions, I sit for an hour and think the most painful thoughts I can imagine about Virgil. I picture him making love, fucking someone while looking into their eyes, which he likes to do. I picture him seducing someone, getting dressed to go on a date. I want to know what will hurt the most. It sounds like a bizarre form of self-torture but I am trying to discover what bothers me the most and what I'm ok with. 

It's this: 
  • Fear that intimate moments with other people that make our intimate moments less special or threaten them in some way.
  • Sadness that he might be having fun with someone while I am alone and/or sad.
I tell Virgil about this when we are in our counselling session. It helps a bit. Virgil and Douglas both wonder whether we shouldn't just temporarily suspend the open relationship activities while I work on my own shit. I agree that I absolutely have to do this but feel that stopping temporarily will be a step back. In the counselling session we also manage to talk a bit more about Virgil's connection with Sarah and what it means to him. The truth is not as bad as my imagination. 

When we are in Douglas's consulting room we can talk about dangerous things in a safer space. It's also a place where I get help in identifying what is reasonable and what isn't. For example, the thing about needing space each side of dates is ok, apparently.

In spite of all this anger and upset, I somehow enjoyed seeing Robert the other night. I cooked him risotto and baked apples. It was better than I thought it would be. Unlike my last attempt at dating Michel, Robert is neither vulnerable or morose. Instead he is rather jolly and also has dom potential. He could be very bossy and strict. He is rather shy until he gets going, he told me. I very meanly did not help him out of that predicament. Instead I made him talk to fill the silence. To be honest, I'm shy too.  

We had quite a good kiss at the end of the night. He held me by the hair on top of my head. It's the only bit of my hair long enough to get any kind of purchase on. It wasn't painful, just very firm. And he put his finger into my mouth. I think the next date should be a play date. I intend to write him such an email that his shyness is annihilated, one that opens the door for some d/s games. I don't want to have normal sex with Robert. I want it to transcend that and start with kink.

Also, Virgil has caught a cold and doesn't want to go to Saturday night's play party. Instead he encourages me to go alone. I think I will. The idea of being alone at a party where I will have many acquaintances but not my partner is exciting.

I am a veritable harlot.

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