Saturday, 5 November 2011

I shallt not

Continue to feel very dull. I was insomniac last night for several hours and then had restless dreams until the morning. Virgil was awake some of the night too, cross with me for being restless. In the end I read from Feel The Fear... and told myself: 'I can handle it', and 'Don't take things too seriously'. It's all good advice. I almost don't care anymore. Lighten up, Harlot!

Last night after a dinner eaten in silence, I told Virgil that I felt beset by all the wrong, dysfunctional things that needed fixing. I said the truth: at the moment it's more important for me to figure out what I'm doing with my work life than making fun decisions about who I'm going to fuck.

I don't think I want to see Michel. I feel guilty and reluctant. I can't be into someone just because it's convenient that we should both have lovers. Life is exhausting. I wonder whether Virgil is looking forward to seeing Sarah. It might just be a bit of light relief after our own shit.

The exception to this disinterest is that I'm actually still thinking hard about kink and keen to find someone to play those kinds of d/s games with. To this end, I am trying to arrange two dates with people I have been in touch with through OkCupid!

Last night we also talked about how we communicate (argue). The shock result of this is that I have promised not to raise my voice at Virgil for an entire week. If I do I must not apologise. This morning I have already had the satisfaction of being able to tell him not to raise his voice at me. My own voice has started to rise several times but I've controlled it in time. A week seems like forever but you have to start somewhere.

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