Friday, 28 June 2013

My first spanking party

Sometimes I love where I live. I find two skirts in a renowned local charity shop. £2.99 each. I say a silent "hooray" for the patronizing woman in the vintage shop who wouldn't drop the price of a navy wool pencil skirt from £45 to £40 (honestly). To think I'd nearly spent £40 when I got two skirts for £5.98.

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Thursday, 27 June 2013

Therapy is good

Deirdre kicks my head back into shape. 

It was such a mistake cancelling my appointment with Deirdre my therapist last week. I might have avoided days of tears and grief. Perhaps not quite, as grief is something you have to go for, but there's healthy grief and unhealthy grief.

It had been feeling as though something had died. Really, it was that bad. Sitting in a flood of tears in her consulting room, I manage to get out: "It's like the whole time I was with Virgil I was clinging on to him as though he was a rock in a black, stormy sea. I hadn't been feeling right or good about myself and what I was doing with my life for years. I hoped he would be my saviour from myself, my darkness."

I think of an old painting I once saw of shipwrecked sinners saved by Jesus as they clung to the rocks.

Deirdre has a more tropical picture in her head but it's a good one. She says: "So, it's like you're a castaway on a tiny desert island. You've got just enough to stay alive although you're sick of having the shits from drinking coconut milk and only having fish to eat.

"You have to choose between staying on the island, where you're not happy, or striking out into the water. You don't know what will happen to you. Will you find land, or a ship, that takes you to another island, and then to the mainland and then to a city and an airport and finally a plane that will bring you home?"

Loving the analogy, I moan and laugh at the same time: "But the island looks so safe after I've left it. I miss it! And despite our differences Virgil and I had this really beautiful love..."

 Then Deirdre says: "Harlot, I hope you know I have nothing but respect for the love between you and Virgil, but I also know that since the first time you came to see me you were expressing severe dissatisfaction and resentment about your relationship. Neither of you can be right while you're in a boyfriend–girlfriend relationship with each other - it puts you both in a situation where to be true to yourselves you are not able to satisfy each other."

And she's right. She's so fucking right. Everyone, I mean everyone, needs a therapist like Deirdre.
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Monday, 24 June 2013

Should have known better

Virgil and I have an excruciating breakfast, and I can't decide what to do.

I say: "I feel like shaking you, shaking some sense into you."
Virgil smiles slightly, and I return it.
"Sense as I see it, at least," I finish.
"We had a really good love. There were good things. It's such a waste. It's crazy not to at least try to fix things."

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Sunday, 23 June 2013

Weddings and couples

Virgil and I see old friends and play the couple for a day. Afterwards I feel sad.

Virgil and I spent yesterday impersonating a couple at a wedding. Actually it was a first anniversary party thrown by the parents of some friends of ours who married secretly with only friends present on holiday last year. If they had hoped to escape the drama of a family wedding (I don't think this was their motive but...) they failed.

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Thursday, 20 June 2013

This and that

PMT nearly does for me, and so does thrush, but I'm still alive and thinking about next week. 

Well, sort of revised my expectations downward...

The emotional turbulence of the last few days, in which I feel as though I have regressed, is levelling out. I am certain one reason for this is the arrival of my period. Today I'm achey and exhausted but emotionally I feel better, less full of anguish about losing Virgil, more objective in the way I think about him and me.

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Monday, 17 June 2013

Social media explanation

This is an update on last night's post.

Hurray for not blowing my top last night. I texted Virgil:
"I've unfollowed you on Twitter after I clicked on your page and saw a private message between you and Sarah that I found very hard to see. I think that if you use Twitter in that way it's better we don't follow each other. It's too painful."

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Sunday, 16 June 2013

Social media blunder


In a non-sex related project I recently set up a Twitter account and Tumblr. Twitter is something I haven't much experience of. There was the experience of spying on Sarah Smith on Twitter once, which was quite weird, and I haven't really used it since.

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Slip sliding

Things feel like they're going backwards. I indulge in some wallowing.

It's supposed to be getting easier, but the last few days are a relapse into the tears and hopelessness of the first weeks post-Virgil. I miss him. I think of the good things: our conversations, collaborations and the tenderness that made us appear so affectionate and solid in our love. I have to remind myself about our frustrating sex life, his unwillingness to compromise and my jealousy about Sarah.

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Saturday, 15 June 2013

Other people's feelings

I experience a new side to nonmonogamy and play the long game.

A recent first date inspired some interesting texts and a sense that something else might come of it. Not a big new romance, but the potential for sex and good company, pleasurable time spent getting to know someone. Damien is a grown-up but a fun one, not a geek but (on first impressions) a well-rounded, sociable, amicable man. He's an OkCupid connection and I liked the letter he wrote me and his profile so much that I went for it, even though I wasn't entirely sold on his pictures.

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Friday, 14 June 2013

Aloneness and togetherness

Sometimes you read something and the truth of the idea and its relevance to you sings out. It's a moment of epiphany and clarity.
"Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape." – bell hooks

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Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Cabin fever and inertia

Working from home. Ach. Exams in two weeks. I revise on the sofa and fall asleep in the afternoons. I am sad and lack motivation. Everything feels like too much trouble. Seriously. You don't know what it took to type this. I miss Virgil like a mad thing, even though I just spent the evening with him. I have been thinking about how falling in love is not an excuse to give one's power away but that's what I did.
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Monday, 10 June 2013

Too much play, too little sleep

The price of a good time - sleep deprivation and sexual health issues. 

It's Monday morning but all that means is I have revision to do. I could use more structure in my life and more distractions. It's hard to study. Being alone in the flat gives me time to think of Virgil. I miss him like crazy, to the point of picking up the phone, but I don't reach out. What's the point?

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Saturday, 8 June 2013

Shame and non-monogamy

I'm not the only one to get jealous.

Given the bad press non-monogamy usually gets, it's understandable that when it's working folk want the world to wise up. But lately the posts of some poly people I know have seemed unbearably smug.

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Thursday, 6 June 2013

Daydreaming in class

Some facts about spanking, texting makes me horny, and I have to get studying.

Work avoidance is my greatest inspiration, sex my biggest distraction. A few messages from my new texting friend in which he says he is looking forward to getting to know "far more of me, far more deeply" make an afternoon lecture pass in a pleasant haze of groin ache. I catch only four words in every five and absorb almost nothing.

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Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Texts and spanking

Looking for work depresses me, but I have fun with texting and enquire about a new source of income.

Summoning my energy, I write emails to two organisations I think might employ me, or, more likely, give me some volunteering work. I earmark two more to visit.

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Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Gardening and debauchery

A good date, positive thoughts, inaction.

I'm still on gardening leave but things are looking up. My mood is definitely brighter; I cry much less. I miss Virgil but we see each other often as friends. I remember how unhappy I was in our relationship. While I feel sad now, I also feel free of some uncomfortable emotions which, honestly, I had become so used to having they were like oxygen.

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