Thursday, 20 June 2013

This and that

PMT nearly does for me, and so does thrush, but I'm still alive and thinking about next week. 

Well, sort of revised my expectations downward...

The emotional turbulence of the last few days, in which I feel as though I have regressed, is levelling out. I am certain one reason for this is the arrival of my period. Today I'm achey and exhausted but emotionally I feel better, less full of anguish about losing Virgil, more objective in the way I think about him and me.

Yesterday I told him: "Our relationship wasn't perfect but it was good. We had a good love, and that doesn't change. I've been missing you so much I just don't know what to do with myself. When I feel like this, I want to try to make it work with you."

We hugged in my living room. He had come round to give me some tech support. In exchange I was giving him home-cooked food support. "I'm sorry you're sad," he said. I had to leave for work. He added: "We can talk about this more another time."

I think he just meant talk about my feelings. I don't think he meant talk about giving it another go, although some part of me perked up at the thought. Today I feel less miserable and desperate and more, well, undecided about whether that would be the right thing to do.

As I mentioned, there have been other factors at play to make a harlot feel wretched. Thrush is my Achilles heel. If Winston Churchill had has black dog, I have a little thrush following me around life, and I'm having a terrible flare-up. Honestly, it actually hurts to walk... Damien emailed to ask if I would like to see him but I don't think I should.

If you have thrush you can't have sex. Fuck, I cannot even ride my bike. Accepting that sexually I'm out of action for frankly I don't even know how long has side-effects. Sexuality is a key feature of my identity. It's going to be challenging finding other things to do and ways of expressing my sexuality that don't involve my vagina. It also means I'm going to have to do some WORK, and that can't be a bad thing.

Kate has been in touch. It looks like there's going to be a spanking party next week at which I will make my debut onto the scene. As long as they only spank me on the bottom (and that's what I'm going to insist on) all should be fine.

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