Thursday, 27 June 2013

Therapy is good

Deirdre kicks my head back into shape. 

It was such a mistake cancelling my appointment with Deirdre my therapist last week. I might have avoided days of tears and grief. Perhaps not quite, as grief is something you have to go for, but there's healthy grief and unhealthy grief.

It had been feeling as though something had died. Really, it was that bad. Sitting in a flood of tears in her consulting room, I manage to get out: "It's like the whole time I was with Virgil I was clinging on to him as though he was a rock in a black, stormy sea. I hadn't been feeling right or good about myself and what I was doing with my life for years. I hoped he would be my saviour from myself, my darkness."

I think of an old painting I once saw of shipwrecked sinners saved by Jesus as they clung to the rocks.

Deirdre has a more tropical picture in her head but it's a good one. She says: "So, it's like you're a castaway on a tiny desert island. You've got just enough to stay alive although you're sick of having the shits from drinking coconut milk and only having fish to eat.

"You have to choose between staying on the island, where you're not happy, or striking out into the water. You don't know what will happen to you. Will you find land, or a ship, that takes you to another island, and then to the mainland and then to a city and an airport and finally a plane that will bring you home?"

Loving the analogy, I moan and laugh at the same time: "But the island looks so safe after I've left it. I miss it! And despite our differences Virgil and I had this really beautiful love..."

 Then Deirdre says: "Harlot, I hope you know I have nothing but respect for the love between you and Virgil, but I also know that since the first time you came to see me you were expressing severe dissatisfaction and resentment about your relationship. Neither of you can be right while you're in a boyfriend–girlfriend relationship with each other - it puts you both in a situation where to be true to yourselves you are not able to satisfy each other."

And she's right. She's so fucking right. Everyone, I mean everyone, needs a therapist like Deirdre.

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