Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Needing or deserving?

Some submissives are able to say that they deserve a beating. I envy them. It probably helps them get what they want. All I know is that, whatever my behaviour has been like (frequently lacking), I am often in need of a beating. Whether I deserve it or not I cannot judge. Although being spanked, flogged, caned and so on is one of my favourite things ever I'd much rather pretend not to enjoy it (at first).

On Sunday night Virgil stood me against the wall and we pretended that he was a games teacher. I was my 14-year-old self, being punished for skipping off a cross-country run to go and read a book. He questioned me about my sexual experience and emergent perversions. I answered honestly. I have many memories of how it was to be fourteen and dripping with sexuality. He flogged me hard across my back and up between my legs for a long time. It ended in very satisfactory fucking and a feeling of closeness and peace between us.

Look, I'd really like to come over and get spanked. Can we try that for a start before anything else? This is what I want to say to Robert. We have a date for the cinema on Wednesday but I don't think I know him well enough yet, either to go to the cinema or to pose the question.

Ironically I didn't have this problem with dates when I was having lots of casual sex. Anything other than a first date, and often the first date itself, ended in sex in those days. The modus operandi yielded some good adventures and a few turkeys. I don't want things to get stuck in a platonic gear. It doesn't make sense to spend a date sitting in silence for two hours. I have Virgil and other friends who I can do that with. I remind myself that my primary motivation with respect to Robert should be sexual.

My blogging has made me horny. I go back to bed and try to to coax some sex out of Virgil. It's his self-professed best time of day and there is an erection ready and waiting for me. Infuriatingly he does not cooperate.

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