Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Day 16 PV

I fret about work and worry horribly about Virgil.

I want to curl up and do nothing except potter in my garden. Unfortunately I have bills to pay. For no stated reason I stop being offered shifts at the scandalous rag. A new person takes over the rota and I (always at the bottom anyway) am no longer on it. When I ask he says there aren't many shifts around but he's working on it (as though shifts are something he produces). I should probably look for other work. Am I capable of looking for other work?

If I'm having money troubles, Virgil is having a financial nightmare. It seems inevitable he is about to lose £10,000 from a bad business deal. It's £10,000 he doesn't have. He doesn't know what to do. Usually sanguine, I have never seen Virgil so stressed and bleak. He is almost unable to cope.

The love instinct kicks in and I want to help him, even just to hold his hand and give him a hug while he tells me how worried he is. Part of me says: "Don't do this. Virgil still won't try again with you. When he's feeling better he'll be gone. He's grateful but this doesn't change anything."

Then the other side says: "If you want to have a good relationship with Virgil, now is the time to start having it. Whatever form your relationship evolves into, you must nurture the love between you and be there for him. Be open-hearted, even when your heart is broken."

There's more than just love sticking Virgil and me together. Many of our community know us as a couple who run a rather infamous party. In a weird sort of (admittedly very small and rather scene) way we are public figures and a team. A few people know about the break-up and the news will surely percolate, but for now most don't and it feels very weird. More than ever I feel as though I'm living a double life. I'm a fake.

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