Sunday, 12 May 2013

Day 5 PV... and the 301st entry on this blog

I passed a milestone when I posted last time and didn't notice until later. I have now more than 300 posts on this blog. I'm not proud though: more than anything it's a testament to how little I have promoted my writing. It also feels like an awful lot of work: work on my relationship, work about Virgil. Mulling it over, painful musings, angst, expressing stuff and so on. So much energy expended ... well, I've only myself to worry about from now on. It'll do me good.

This evening I'm seeing Jay for the first time in ages. Our last encounter, at a party, ended in drug-fuelled, fancy-dress toilet sex. Then there was a long absence, then a very snippy text from me to Jay, and after that a conversation in which we agreed that we had different ideas about how often we'd like to see each other but no hard feelings.

Jay was six months out of an LTR. I was a sex-starved harlot in an open relationship of four years which was going mostly Virgil's way. I wanted weekly assignations to look forward to – Jay was happy keeping it occasional.

Jay got in touch about a week ago, actually at exactly the time that Virgil was deciding he wanted to split. Amid feelings of anxiety at the dumping I sensed was imminent, I thought: 'Why not? It would be nice to see Jay again. There might even be some sex in it.' My libido is still definitely there.

So that's where I am this afternoon. I haven't told Jay about splitting up with Virgil yet but I didn't want to do it on the phone. I hope I can do it in person without tearing up and making it a sad rather than a sexy occasion.

I am agnostic about what is going to happen, although I have packed sex supplies in case. I can't be so bad, can I, to be feeling horny like this? Admittedly, if things go badly with Jay I probably will feel sad in a way that is out of proportion to the importance of the occasion. But it feels important to do things that make me feel nice. Why shouldn't fucking Jay come under the heading of 'self care'?

I've worked hard to put things like this in place: I'm not going to let everything go tits up just because I'm no longer with Virgil.

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