Friday, 10 May 2013

Day 4 PV

A face-to-face with Virgil, on my sofa this morning. We've still broken up. I said I still wanted us to have a relationship, although I wasn't sure what sort. Should we try to just open it up completely? I had known for some time that I wasn't happy committing to him fully in our state of uncertainty. He doesn't want to do that. I said I was open to taking a break and coming back in a few months to see if we want to continue. He said he wants me to move on. We agree that we are going to try to be friends and help each other through it. That's about as good as it gets.

The things that really set me off:

1. memories of the magic of the time we were getting to know each other and falling in love, like when just walking down the street together with him holding my bag and me a cup of coffee felt brilliant

2. knowing that something that was incredibly strong and beautiful will fade and become distant memories as we move into different stages of our lives apart from each other

3. that I am now in my forties, with no partner, no career and no children (I'm equivocal about this, but it's still important) and no measurable attribute of success

4. the fear that I will now be single for a long time (while Virgil moves off easily and meets someone, as he did from his partner before me)

5. just about any image or words alluding to happy couples, or families. I feel like a failure

Why I feel like a failure is partly to do with Virgil's stated reason for stopping. It's this: he cannot handle my temper when things go wrong. I feel awful about this. I've tried so hard but occasionally I just explode. The reason I think we should break up is the ongoing areas of tension (our sex life, our domestic situation, our open relationship). For Virgil (allegedly) it's the way I deal with these issues; for me it's their ongoing existence.

I don't entirely believe him, but I'm also really tired of having to go along with these discomforts, these not rights and will they ever be's? Much as I love Virgil I also realise that there are ways in which we are not suited. I shrivel inside at the thought of losing the things about him I find so special and wonderful, because there are many lovely perks to being Virgil's girlfriend. I also accept that there are aspects of him that I find frustrating and unsatisfactory (his cooking, messiness, and the way he rides a bike like a sack of potatoes with a death wish, for instance). Other people exist who I could also love and who would delight me in their own ways.

I just might never find them.

Is it wrong to want to be in a loving relationship so badly?

I know I have to write about the other stuff that is going on at some point, but I'm exhausted tonight.

By the way, never delete old Google calendars. You can't get them back. I lost loads of stuff when I deleted an old one that Virgil and I no longer use... fortunately he had a back-up. What will I do without my tech support in future? Maybe I'll go back to using a paper diary. At least I won't have to have a shared calendar with anyone for a while.

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