Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Day 2 PV

Strictly speaking, yesterday was day zero. Waking up this morning is hard. I just went through our joint calendar and copied everything I needed into my own. Then I unsubscribed from it. I wonder how long I will be able to not see Virgil for and what we should do in the future. I entertain thoughts that maybe we can be friends. I love him and care about him.

In all the sadness is a sense of relief that finally we can stop trying to fix things. For some time now I had been feeling that I couldn't properly commit to Virgil as my primary partner. I had just shelved the feeling in order to concentrate on my own things.

It's amazing how far you can get on thin ice. We've been pulling in different directions, not only in terms of our open relationship but also in how we want to live, for ages. The sexual frustration has been awful for ages. Maybe we could try seeing each other on a different basis. Probably just as friends but perhaps as something more. The love is so strong between us. How can that not be expressed or allowed to be? I can't answer these questions yet but I'm already having them.

Thank God for Ava yesterday. She came for lunch, then I went for supper to her flat, which she shares with her boyfriend Barny. When I met her, Ava's boyfriend was Marcus and she had a horrible time with him. I used to counsel her and now I keep her in mind for inspiration and encouragement.

It was hard for Ava to leave Marcus, like stepping out into not much. She had to go and stay with her ex-husband for a while because she couldn't afford rent. She'd had several years of being told by Marcus that she was old and unattractive and that she repulsed him sexually. She had loved him but their relationship was increasingly a roommate situation.

Marcus wanted company and someone to help him get laid. He has a penchant for very pretty young women and as he himself is aging badly this often didn't go well. He also needed someone to get him in to sex parties, many of which are closed to single men.

Ironically Ava is probably the most attractive older woman you'll ever meet. In our circle many younger men hold her in awe. It turned out that Marcus was the one the younger men's girlfriends were taking for the team - I did it once myself.

Why am I driveling on about Ava? This is coming out so disjointed. It's just this really: she was afraid to let go of something but when she finally did it opened the way to a much happier situation. Barny is a gentleman - a cool, attractive younger man who fucks her beautifully and is currently making her very happy. After taking it very easy to begin with because Ava was wary after her experience with Marcus, they have started to experiment with parties and group sex.

It's Ava's birthday soon and with loving care and much glee Barny is arranging for Ava to get fucked by five guys of her choosing - at the same time :) After that the other guests will arrive. I'll be one of them. It will be my first sex party without Virgil and I am looking forward to it. I've been looking forward to it for ages. It's just a shame it's happening now.

I don't want to be sad right now. I have my first date with Eli tonight. I spent half of yesterday morning texting him as I mooched around the garden planting potatoes and beans and trying not to cry. I'm seeing Jay on Sunday for the first time in absolutely ages. I want to enjoy my life, not to be miserable. Perhaps I can be both.

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