Monday, 20 May 2013

Day 14? PV

In which I reflect on the experience of Jay Jones and move on.

An email comes from Jay in response to one from me in which I raise the possibility of friend sex. He'd love to play with me at parties, he says, but doesn't think sex in private is a "good idea". Too much of a blurring between playtime and dating, too much intimacy, for Jay starts to feel like a relationship. He's being kind and careful. I can feel the work he put in and I am grateful.
   I resist the temptation to tell Jay what he has between his legs has always been of more interest to me than what he has between his ears. It's true but unsayable. I feel as though Jay is trying to crop me. I've showed him my soft underside and he knows my situation. I'm not sure it's possible to subtract the uncomfortable details (my heartbreak and horniness, my desire for a regular lover) from the things that first attracted Jay. I'm not sure I have any interest in sex without intimacy, even sex at a play party.

It's frustrating that Jay does not seem to understand that in spite of past disappointments I see him simply as a charming friend who I want to fuck. The time has past for statements like that. It would sound like arguing. 

When Jay and I run into each other at future parties, all will depend on whether we maintain a friendship in everyday life. I was keen to build a friendship with Jay when we had a sexual relationship. But without sex I'm unsure whether I care enough to put energy into maintaining it.

For Jay sex parties are a life away from the one he mostly lives in. Therefore he thinks he can separate people in that way too. It's a swinger mentality, perhaps. For Virgil and me the sex party scene is more integrated into our other social circles. People exist outside the parties. They have everyday lives and concerns. They have feelings.

In my dealings with Jay the worlds of open-relationships and serial monogamy with playtime didn't mix well. In the excitement of having finally found another man to fancy and fuck I came on too strong. In hindsight I know I got carried away and over-romanticised it at times too - that's the effect of the neurobiology of good sex. It's chemistry, not love, but it's potent.

Jay was a new experience for me and I felt confused: in accordance with monogamous ideals I thought Jay needed to be protected from the idea that my interest was largely sexual and sensual. I wanted to show Jay that although I was in a relationship he was still important, that I had authentic feelings for him and didn't want to use him. Ironically this put him off. He wasn't in the same place as me. He didn't want the same things at all. Jay was a big learning.

Time is passing so slowly. I knew this titling wasn't going to work. I have never been able to match days with numbers without counting on my fingers and moving my lips.

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