Friday, 24 May 2013

Day 18 PV

In which I think about resentment and know I can't go back.

I'm sad but one thing feels good and right: I don't want to be a jealous, resentful person again.

When we split last summer, Virgil made dating Sarah Smith a pre-condition for getting back together with me. I was crushed and desperate. Freshly moved out and sleeping on a friend's floor, my need not to split up with Virgil at that time, to salvage some stability and hold on to our love, overrode all reason. I made a bargain that I never stopped resenting.

I don't want to be with a person who would issue that kind of ultimatum or precondition. Having an open relationship is one thing but it should not come down to that. Virgil and I never had the power of veto over other people and the veto thing is not something I generally agree with anyway.

Virgil is not interested in converting women to open relationships. He wants to know people who are already on that journey. I did not have to worry, therefore, about women who did not respect our relationship. And you shouldn't veto a person just because you feel threatened by their possibly being more attractive, interesting or happy than you are.

But the way that Virgil and I opened up our relationship was very flawed. We did it in bad temper without really preparing for it and I have to admit responsibility for that... He started seeing Sarah almost immediately. I found out in a fairly horrible way and it was very fucking hard for me after that. And everything that came was influenced by the fact that he was seeing someone and I was not.

So I'll admit that I wanted to veto Sarah just because I couldn't cope with the history and the legacy of that. Him seeing her made me feel too many awful things. I tried so hard to get over it but I just couldn't. I wish I had been able to but there it is... And then I was always the fearful, insecure, jealous one. Virgil was frustrated and increasingly less sympathetic.

Virgil had the right to insist on an open relationship and that wasn't the issue, but by making it personal about Sarah he basically told me that his relationship with this one other person was more important than his relationship with me. I never forgave him and I never stopped resenting Sarah, even though she's a nice, ethical person. Even though their relationship was not a threat to mine and Virgil's connection - except in the resentment I felt about it.

Jealousy and resentment eat away at you. They divert your energy from positive things for yourself to pointless negative thoughts about others. Much as I mourn my relationship with Virgil and the beautiful moments we had, I can't go back to that.

I need to move on and not feel resentful about this. Virgil too has grounds for resentment. I have to remember that. I did my inadequate best and so did he.

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