Monday, 13 May 2013

Day 6 PV

I woke up in Jay's bed this morning. That's a first. My open relationship with Virgil had a no overnights clause because I couldn't bear the idea of him being loving with someone else in the morning. It was always good to wake up with Virgil. The idea that it won't happen again has been bothering me to the extent that I texted Virgil to tell him.

There wasn't actually any sex with Jay yesterday or this morning, not even kissing. There was cuddling and some spooning but he kept it firmly non-sexual. I didn't ask why; I just enjoyed the company. It might have been his hangover and tiredness yesterday or maybe he's being careful of my emotional state. Perhaps he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, or perhaps he just didn't want to have sex this time. To ask would be to spoil it. I don't care. We talked, ate dinner and curled up on the sofa to watch a film, which I fell asleep in and missed the last train.

It was a bit of an anticlimax of course, as I had been up for sex, but it was nice and I was glad to see Jay. When I told him about Virgil and splitting up I did it in a very sane way, philosophical, hardly tearing up at all. It sounded plausible and sensible and as though I was coping, which I am.

Other people don't replace Virgil though. There's a tide of unreasonable emotion inside. It's a sea of pain. I feel as though my heart has been pulled out.

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