Friday, 31 May 2013

Day 24 PV

I make a decision about the words I use, and realise I need to extract myself from a situation.

When people ask how I am, I now say: "I am as good as can be expected," and "I am coping reasonably well, thanks."

The words bereft, heartbroken, desolate and so on are still there, lurking around, but I use them less and less. They make me cry and as the more positive statements are also true I decided that these are the ones I will stick to.

It's not denying what happened but it seems to make me feel better and that has to be healthy. It also helps me to stop crying all day, a state of affairs that has to end.

Things are getting a little easier. I think about putting my best foot forward (I love that phrase), deciding to make the best of this break-up and not let it defeat me. I can make it as hard for myself as I want, or I can be as positive as possible.

After our disaster date in which I burst into tears three times, I wasn't sure what to expect from Eli afterwards, but.misery loves company and my sadness is not a deterrant. I receive several more massive texts from him which makes me feel uncomfortable.

I have previously refused to respond in a text to texting essays from Eli because they were too long and complex but he hasn't taken the hint. Eli insists that he enjoyed the time we spent together and that I was good company. He says he likes looking after people. He also says that he isn't sure yet whether I like him.

What I do know beyond question is that there is no attraction on my side and therefore no potential for sex or BDSM. I email him and say so. I suggest friendship but admit that I do not have much to give and that I will understand if he invests rather less energy in our connection than he has been doing.

This provokes several, as yet unacknowledged, declarations by Eli of his lack of sexual intent and the genuine nature of his friendly, supportive motivations. He still asks why I am not interested in him sexually though... just for interest, he says. He states that nothing I say could hurt him, unless it is that I already have enough friends and don't want to be his. So no pressure then. I have met this guy three times...

I realise I no longer want to see Eli. I feel guilty and sorry for him. I do actually quite like him, but the things he is offering are not things I want. I do have other friends and I don't need a new, isolated, vulnerable-himself pal to hang out, talk about exes with, be given CDs to listen to and engaged in getting-to-know-you games that I only ever played with Virgil and therefore hurt like fuck. That is, in fact, the last thing I want.

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