Sunday, 4 December 2011

Never Leave Me

This morning I wake up at 6am. At 7 I get up and go into the living room to read 'Opening Up'. Douglas, our counsellor, lent it to me. He thinks I might find some helpful advice in it about negotiating open relationships. I had been expressing, with vehemence, my feelings about the book Sarah gave Virgil. Virgil told me afterward that I had looked terrifying.

You were so angry, he said. But I wasn't, I replied, I was just passionate. The anger had gone by then. The book is still around somewhere and I haven't thrown it out of the window.

I curl up under an old blue blanket I have had since childhood. It used to be too scratchy. Now it isn't. I open the book. Some of it's familiar, some is new. I decide to skip the anthropological justifications and history of section to a chapter on jealousy. I can always learn more about jealousy, its many forms. A subheading catches my eye and a penny drops.

Fear of abandonment. I brought this up myself in a session a few weeks ago while describing my physical reaction to being touched when I'm upset. When I am hurting I reject people violently. I described the day when I was 12 that my dad told us he had cancer and was going to die. When he started crying I couldn't bear it. As I left I saw them all crying together around the table but I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in it.

A man I really loved left me when I was young. I really do think that the worst thing about this for me is allowing Virgil to go off and have nice things that don't involve me.

I hate to feel left out. I am afraid that Virgil will find someone he loves more than me and leave me. I worry I will drive him away with my awfulness. The truth is that he's so loving at the moment and gentle. Nobody's perfect but Virgil's a wonder to me, even if he eats ketchup with everything, doesn't care if he doesn't leave the house all day sometimes and refuses to ride his bike if it even looks like rain. I want us to make our lives together.

At 8am I go back to bed and he's awake and happy to see me. He says, Come back to bed. I tell him about the book and he holds me. I say, I might have abandonment issues, and he agrees. Then we have the tenderest and most beautiful fuck that I can actually ever remember having. It's the kind of fuck that you have when you're three years in, past the initial amazement and halleluja epiphany but so glad and happy to be in love with each other still.

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