Sunday, 18 December 2011

Help

I just joined an online poly support group. Well, actually it turned out to be a mono/poly support group for people who are monogamous and having relationships with poly people. Whatever that means.

I don't think of myself as monogamous. Pressed for a definition, I put myself at the 'partnered non-monogamy' end of things. Virgil, on the other hand, would like us to be polyamorous. There lies the rub. Sexual friendships - check. Romances - meltdown. Virgil doesn't make that distinction. He says it's all on a continuum. But that's not how it works for me. Romance is like a smell that floats in on the breeze and changes everything. There isn't an in-between. It's either there or it's not.

To people who live a more middle-of-the-road life this might not sound like an important difference. In truth it could be the end of us as a couple. I try to get my head around the idea that I could ultimately be unable to accept Virgil's love because of this but my emotions are out of control and what's the point of having other lovers if your primary has kittens every time you see them?

I'm not sure the support group is a good idea. The two active threads were a) a discussion about whether somebody was technically cheating or being poly (sounded impossibly complex) and b) someone else having a dark night of the soul about her poly partner. Maybe I should have read some more of b) but when you've got your head up your own arse it's hard to focus.

I wish I could be satisfied and consoled by all the love and reassurance Virgil gives me. I wish I could be like him. Today I am too sad to think about lovers and fun.

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