Tuesday, 6 December 2011


I wonder how Virgil feels about Sarah. Does he miss her when he doesn't see her? How much does he think about her between dates. I'd like to know how the feeling coexists with what he feels about me because I can't imagine it. He's seen only her outside our relationship for the last few months, so (I surmise) he's satisfied and not looking for something more exciting. He says that Sarah has the potential to be a good friend. I am trying to feel pleased about that.

Fourth date with Robert last night. I didn't send the propositioning email because I didn't feel sure enough that I wanted to. It's what I want in theory but...

Instead I told him that he could 'surprise me' with a plan. That's leaving it open isn't it? In a mad scramble before having lunch with my mum and work in the afternoon, I de-haired my legs and put on nice knickers just in case the date got sexy.

It didn't. We went to the theatre and then to dinner. I was home at eleven after a peck on the cheek outside the restaurant. He suggested another game of Scrabble as a next date.

I don't feel the chemistry. Robert's a nice guy, seems jolly and stable, but when I think about fucking him nothing happens.

Back home that night we talk. I tell Virgil about it. I feel sad and a bit angry because he had a nice date with Sarah. I lie in bed and when he asks me if I need space I just say, Yes. Then he asks me if I would like him to go in the other room and I say I'd just like him to be quiet. And then I say, Actually, yes, go in the other room. But when he picks up the spare cover I relent. I say, I'm just feeling blue because my date didn't go well.

We lie in bed late and talk about it and it's probably the least bad time yet. What I say to myself now when bad feelings well up is this: Virgil is not trying to replace me. He's not trying to replace me.

I am tired of internet dating though. It's forced and dreary. I am no judge of dating profiles. I resent the investment one has to make before one even gets to meet people, only to find that there is no sexual attraction.

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