Tuesday, 18 May 2010

I want to crawl under a rock and read there.

This post is not about sex or poly anything. It is about how I feel like an utter FUCKWIT right now, this very minute and second. If I were a generation or two older I would be pouring my heart out (on)to a stranger at a bus stop or in the post office queue right about now. However, having no one to share this with immediately, and not wishing to post such self-indulgent wailings publically on Facebook, I'm going to scream it into the electronic ether instead.

I am an idiot - a fucking useless wastrel!! I just FORGOT to turn up to a paid job of work because I FAILED to transfer it from my (erst-while perfectly reliable) paper diary to my iPhone calendar! Someone had pointlessly arranged childcare because of me! I have lost money, which I cannot afford to do, being woefully underemployed at the moment. I feel simply horrible inside, all tied up in knots. I wouldn't mind having a cry but I can't because I'm not quite upset enough to do that (or maybe I'm TOO upset?). And I won't phone Virgil because he's giving a presentation and actually I'm too embarrassed to tell him what I've done.

At what point did the idea of holding such a thought inside oneself without expelling it in some way become unthinkable? It's curious isn't it, how hard it is to sit with an unpleasant feeling or piece of bad news without telling someone else? Simply by writing this down I'll have expelled a bit of the poison that is making my guts twist and turn so. Nowadays we can twitter, text, FB update, blog, call someone as soon as we feel the need to halve a problem by sharing it, and we need to, because often there is nobody around to dump on in person. This is a culture of unparalleled personal space, especially if you're under-employed and spend too much time on your own at home.

I am going to tidy the flat and sit and stew in it. And I might try to read a book, because BĂȘte de Jour has reminded me that I don't read enough. The internet has been the death of me as a reader. At least if I read a book I can tell myself that I am doing a good thing.

5 comments:

  1. You feel stupid???????? I DID turn up for a job and now I spend my time going round and round in circles on a red tricycle!

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  2. Do you need an assistant? I have my own bike. It's not red but it has red panniers...

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  3. Aww, don't be too hard on yourself. We all make grossly idiotic mistakes that make us want to claw our own eyes out with plastic forks from time to time. Apparently the trick is to learn from it and not repeat the same mistakes again. So yeah, do that.

    Chin up!

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  4. Miss K, Are you offering me a ride? I'm an agile little monkey, you know, and I come with a big testimonial

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  5. Shit happens, don't sweat it. Oddly enough it was tech that got you into this bind. I remember how the idea behind most tech was that they would give us more free time. What complete utter lies.

    In the grand scheme of things. Does missing one paid gig even matter? Seriously>

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