Friday, 8 March 2013


The after-effects of seeing Jay are like a comedown from drugs. Just after I see him I think about him all the time, can't wait to see him again, wank alot and things like that. There's a half-life to this effect. Now, more than two weeks since our last date was cut short by his annoying flatmate I'm not feeling much.

This is a lot to do with his lack of communication. I tell myself that I shouldn't analyse this in his absence. He's not a great letter writer... texter, Facebooker etc. Not knowing Jay very well I don't feel confident enough to say that he finds writing difficult. Perhaps he just doesn't have much to say.

I wish Jay did have more to say though. What I'd really like is a text or picture message every few days, a token to show that he's thinking of me even while having fun and being busy away. I wish I could take back my wasted thoughts. Other than daydream about Jay, the only thing I've done lots of these last weeks is to read Game of Thrones - itself no more than a form of extreme escapism as I have already seen the television series.

The message that finally came went along the lines of:
Hello, how are you? I've been having a great holiday :) Now something I already told you twice already. Now something that shows I have not read your message properly. I'm going to be away a bit longer than I thought  :( I'll call you when I'm back in town. x
It's not awful. I can see that. It could be worse. We didn't have an agreement that he would write/call/text me x number of times, and it's not like we're boyfriend-girlfriend. But I would have liked something a bit more heartfelt than a sad face, an indication that he is impatient to see me too. Why can't we set a date to meet before he gets back to the city? 

Which is why I haven't replied yet. Anything I wrote now would be querulous and passive aggressive. I hate that. I also like the idea of keeping him waiting, as he kept me waiting. I hope he's checking his inbox more often than usual and wondering why I haven't written back yet.

Instead I complain to Virgil. I tell him that while Jay doesn't tick some important boxes he still has some major attractions and I feel emotionally involved. I also admit to being invested in it working because I need something like this. (Or at least, have felt emotionally involved and now feel like blowing it off.) That's called not having a shopping list, says Virgil. I say not trying to make someone meet all your needs is a nice thing about open relationships. Virgil comforts me and points out how nice it is that I can come to him for support in this way.

I say, 'Well, to a point, but the truth is that in an open relationship there just isn't the same degree of support. You might be supporting me now but tonight you're going on a date with Sarah and I feel rubbish about that. And I've utterly fucking had it with not having sex, not going out, not drinking and not eating sugar.'

Unfortunately with all this uncertainty and angst I have regressed in the jealousy stakes. I feel like punching Sarah in her peanut face now. Like really punching so that her head flies back and she says 'Oof'. Then I think about how upsetting that would be for her and the urge subsides a bit but not entirely.

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