Thursday, 25 November 2010

2Sexy4Us

There is no direct relationship between promiscuity and sexual expertise. Some people really do just blunder from encounter to encounter, learning nothing on the way. In an ideal world membership of contact sites would be limited to those who can pass a basic practical exam in technique. Masturbation, oral, penetration, anal techniques (optional) and sexual health (mandatory).  In the real world you chance it every time.

2Sexy4Us contacted me through an internet sex site. Their profile had no face pictures and, unusually, they refused to send any, preferring to meet instead. I swapped emails with both of them. They explained that they each had partners and children who they lived with. They had met online and for the last year had been meeting several times a week. She described him as a sexual revelation and spoke warmly of the time they spent together. He had slightly annoyed me by referring three times to her ‘lovely coffee-coloured skin’, by which I inferred that she was mixed race. That was obvious from the pictures of her body. And so what? I thought, but turned up at the wine bar as arranged.

Dear reader, never go to meet people who you are unsure of for any reason. There is a meter in the back of your mind that registers all effort expended in the pursuit of sexual experiences and balances this against prospective gain. Gain might be measured in orgasms, the acquisition of funny anecdotes (although how funny is “I caught cystitis in a Holiday Inn”?) or wild adventures. It is the voice that says, Well, I’ve put in all this time and travelled to ___, I might as well now have sex with this person. How bad can it be?

Once you have turned up, you are simply by virtue of being there much more likely to go through with something or other.

I believe that Mr 2Sexy4Us was well aware of this. While 2Sexy was plain, slightly pudgy and strawberry blond, his girlfriend was quite hot. Therein lay my second mistake.

Dear reader, resist the temptation to have sex with someone you find personally distasteful in order to get at their better half. You might think it will be ok, but it will not.

And so I found myself in a service lift going up to the second floor of a Holiday Inn, on a school night, with two people I barely knew and one of whom I didn’t like very much.

To be continued.

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