Monday, 6 February 2012

The important question

I send a text to say yes to Sigi the therapist. She hasn't texted back yet. Maybe she'll veto me. Sigi can have a chance. If it doesn't work I'll try someone else.

In my head I am running through a conversation with Sarah. I say, disarmingly, What do you want with Virgil? He's a nice guy, great fun to be with. What are you looking for? Sarah is fooled by my friendly, casual tone. She agrees and confides that what she wants in her life is a secondary partner, a committed connexion - although she respects our relationship. Sarah is poly and looking for something meaningful and ongoing.

Then I say, Well if you want anything with romance, anything emotionally complicated, I can tell you now that that will be over my dead body. If that is what you want, the best thing you can do is leave here now and get away from me and my relationship. You are not welcome. I can't force Virgil to stop seeing you, but I can tell you that I will never be happy about it. Every time he comes to see you there will have been a scene with me beforehand and every time he leaves he will be going home to a scene with me.

That's as far as the imaginary exchange goes but it's far enough. Why do I do this? I am in tears, stuffing boots and shoes back under the hall table. Virgil phones to tell me he loves me. He says I miss you and am fondly remembering the cuddle we had in bed last night and this morning. He asks how I am. I say, Awful. Going through a bad patch.

I explain, I'm having an imaginary conversation with Sarah in my head. T says, What? I say, Well since it looks as though I am going to meet her I've been thinking about it. I want to ask her what she wants with you.

Virgil thinks I'm mad and socially gauche. Finally he says, You can't just ask someone that. I say, What else would I want to know about her? I might not just come out with it but that's what I would be thinking. I wouldn't be meeting her because I might want to be her friend. It's the main thing I would want to know.

It would help me to know what Sarah wants with Virgil. If I knew she didn't want much I think I might feel better. And if she wanted too much I would veto her to kingdom come.

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