Saturday, 23 February 2013

I do not understand some people

I don't think I have the emotional resources for another lover but I want to have more sex. I already have a long-term partner in Virgil. And there is the exciting and preoccupying, as yet undefined, new connection with Jay. The idea of meaningless sex makes me nervous. More romantic entanglement would be exhausting: I'm barely coping with the new things I'm feeling. And I would still like some kink in my life.

Curses on Oliver the dom then. I feel strung along. I've had my time wasted big time by that ill-mannered, arrogant man. Following some dedicated Facebook flirting initiated by me we finally met again in January. It was six months after our first date. Oliver said, 'I know I've been rude. I've really been super busy. But I want to do something proper with someone, have some real play going on. We should go for it.' I said: 'Good. I want that too. Let's try it out together.'

Oliver peered over my shoulder like a bald-headed vulture while I scrolled through my calendar and told him my availability for most of February. He promised to be in touch imminently to confirm a date on which we would talk, then another on which we would go to a dungeon to do a first non-sexual scene together. It sounded like a plan. 

'Email me,' I said as I left: 'I want it in writing.'
'You'll have it,' he replied.
I said: 'In blood!' and he laughed.

And then I didn't hear from him for a month until he texted to ask what I was doing on Friday night. I thought: 'I work on Fridays, Oliver, and you should know that.' I got some pleasure out of not responding to his text, and a few drops more when a day later I got another text that was a single interrogative.
'Serve you right, Oliver,' I thought, but decided to give him a final chance. I Facebooked him the next day:

Hi Oliver,
When I didn't hear from you after we met in January I felt disappointed. You had quizzed me for my availability in February. You said you would confirm a date and be in touch by email to discuss things in more detail. I'm used to you being in and out of touch but this time you had given me your word that you would do something and it had raised my level of expectation. I'm not high maintenance: sometimes for perfectly good reasons we are unable to keep our promises and I don't have an issue with that. It's just that it's more than good manners to let people know: given the psychological and emotional investment d/s play calls for it's a fundamental part of looking out for each other's wellbeing. It's nearly a month since we met.
I'm not cross and this isn't a bollocking. I haven't even closed the door on the possibility of us playing together but I want you to understand where I'm coming from. My sense right now is that I don't trust you to keep your word and I'm not prepared to do anything with you unless you can convince me otherwise.
Do let me know.
Now it's a week later. Oliver hasn't even replied, not even a 'Get lost, you uppity slag.' He has liked a couple of my status updates though, which is infuriating.
Every day I consider whether to unfriend Oliver, block him or write to him to tell him what a cad I think he is. It's a lucky escape I guess, although I am still frustrated. 
This is why it is so baffling: it's really hard to find people to do d/s with in any kind of sustained way. You need to be friends and equals; you need to find each other attractive. Although there can be less physical attraction than with a lover or partner, I do have to be able to imagine sucking a dom's cock with a certain degree of enthusiasm. I don't fancy Oliver in the way I lust over Jay, but he definitely passes the cock-suck test. You also need to have compatible kinks and a lifestyle that allows you to have a d/s partner. 
Oliver and I have these things, yet it seems he is not ready to take the plunge. Apparently he is satisfied with posting kinky pictures and updates on Fb and hanging out at fetish clubs. I want actual, real-life play, not fucking socialising and social media. I would happily make time for this. I would prioritise it. I'm only talking about a couple of times a month, for Jesus' sake.
Thinking about it makes me cross. I decide that Oliver has three days from today to reply, after which I will unfriend him on Facebook. Then I think about the message I want to write him. Then I think about how horny I am at the moment. 

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