Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Back Again

This blog hasn't finished yet although I haven't been in the mood for writing for many months. Recently I've realised it is not good enough. My blog is not going to be a settler story, one of those journey journals which peter out just when things get interesting.

So what have I been doing? Moving forward and changing things I suppose. The blog up until now was about resisting change, hating and hedging around it. I was trying to hold on to things and dragging my feet big time.

Some important things have been happening. I'll probably be writing in flashback for a while until I catch up. A sketch of life at the moment is this:

Virgil and I live around the corner from each other. I have my old flat back and a flatmate. I like it here. I have my garden, which I love, and I spend hours ruining my back in it. This is gardening leave. 

Sarah and I have met each other several times. We even had a proper heart to heart a few weeks ago from which we all emerged wiser and me with something of a weight lifted from my shoulders. I still flinch when I see her fine hairs on Virgil's bathroom floor. I console myself that Virgil is a domestic inept. Who knows how long they have lain there?

This year I have been sort of seeing someone myself. About this much more to follow. I would like to say that it has changed everything; it hasn't but it has changed many things a great deal.
BDSM: still a source of ongoing frustration. After a bad experience last time we tried, Virgil and I will not be doing d/s together for the foreseeable.

Deirdre is still my therapist. I see her every few weeks. The puzzle of life and how to be in it is still a puzzle but I'm asking different questions. Overall I think a lot more about myself. I even started swimming again.

I no longer do the work that was making me miserable. I sometimes miss it and feel that I need to set something in train again. I'm treading water now. I'm studying one day a week but I don't have a strong sense of it leading to something. Maybe...

I never did read that Wayne Dyer book. I tried but it wasn't the right one. SHBs only work for me if they address the problem I'm having in that moment. I wouldn't mind finding a few more though. I still have a bad temper but I'm controlling it better. 10mg per day of Citalopram is probably part of this. It's a tiny dose but it's my safety net.

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