Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Missing someone

In the end I decide to hide Oliver the dom from my Facebook feed. This is mostly on the advice of Virgil who says I should maintain face. I decide not to write to him either.

Instead I write to Jay, who is on holiday with friends. By the standards of bewildering dating laws that say things like you shouldn't respond to a text message for at least 24 hours, I am uncool. Jay hasn't really been gone long enough for an email but it makes me happy. I have an urge to communicate.

I pluck up courage and tell Jay that I miss him. I add that I don't expect him to miss me and hope he is having a super time. Then I wonder endlessly whether this is a guilt trip of the Jewish grandmother variety.

In January after a 10-day absence he asked if I had missed him. Like a coward I replied: 'No, it was more like lusting after and thinking about you a lot.'

Knowing Jay better, I wish I had been honest then: I had missed him. He's shy. I want him to feel confident of my affection. I worry that he might think I only want him for sex, and that for him I am probably just a diversion until he meets 'the one'. Jay has no experience of open relationships. I want to tell him that we're both on unfamiliar ground and please do this for my sake.

A rejection scenario plays in my head too. Jay's not a great correspondent; I promise myself not to mark the time until he writes back.

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