Save the date

I wake to an affectionate email from Virgil asking if I remember that today is the anniversary of our first kiss. I am nonplussed. The anniversary of our first date is some weeks away and we first kissed on our second date several weeks later. I think he has accidentally brought the anniversary forward one month. 'Well it's there in my diary,' says Virgil, as though this is incontrovertible evidence. 'Which is more reliable,' I write back, 'My memory or your electronic calendar?'

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Back

I know that I am not addicted to blogging. This is because I can leave it and walk away. (I didn't read anyone else's blog while I was away either.) I walked away on holiday with Virgil at the end of August. We came back a few weeks ago. Then we were busy with a joint project which is now out of the way. It was at least a partial success. Virgil left yesterday on a business trip. It's morning now for him, for me night. It's time to start writing again.

I have decided to give up one of the things I do for work. I spent a long time and a great deal of money training for it. I will be paying off the student loan for many years. It has taken me a long time to see it but I now understand that the only thing worse than losing seven years on this venture is the time and energy I now spend prevaricating and agonising over my lack of success at something I clearly do not want to put the effort into making... work. I'd like that part of my brain back please.

Generally, if I really want to do a thing I do it. I find the time. I find a way. Nothing will grow if you don't nurture it. I haven't been doing anything with this work not because I'm scared or lazy: I just do not want it badly enough to do what is needed to succeed. This thing is just not me - I want to find the things that I can do well and feel proud of.

I have an appointment with Deirdre tomorrow. It's a last chance to turn back before I give notice and tell my clients that I will be taking a sabbatical. When I last talked about giving up Deirdre asked if I was sure I was in a good place to be making this sort of big decision. At the time I agreed that I was not. Now I think I am. Going away really helped clear my head. 

More soon. Goodnight.
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Too much thinking and SHBs but I set something in motion

Virgil (curse him) once told me that people who read self-help books use them to replace real change with reading self-help books. I think I use SHBs in times of crisis to get myself back on the straight and narrow, to tame my violent mind and unruly thoughts. When things start to spiral out of control SHBs can offer some perspective and stop me flying off the handle. I just bought another one. It's by Wayne Dyer. I'll let you know how it goes.

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Insect kink

This housesit is giving me some peace at last. It's very familiar and comforting. It takes me back to how I lived before I met Virgil. I eat brown rice and vegetables. I sit in the garden. There's a lavender bush with bees bobbing around in it. Several spiders have built webs in the bush too. One has caught a bee and tied it up. I think about being tied up and how long it has been.

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Gush

I buy myself a Lelo Gigi. Then I take a picture of it and send it to Virgil. It's an important step: having claimed squatter's rights on his for the last three years I now have my own. It's in pale pink so there can be no question of ownership.

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Back again

It is not fair but I am angry with Virgil.

I leave and when I get home send an email explaining that I will no longer prioritise seeing him at weekends. Virgil goes out with Sarah while I work on Saturday nights. But when asked I tell people that I already have plans for the weekend. Only being available during the week is a city phenomenon. It hints at exciting weekends planned well in advance with A-list weekend friends. The truth is more mundane: cinema, meals, nights in and early to sleep. I am unhappy with my social life. I am jealous of Virgil and Sarah. Although I miss Virgil terribly, most of the time, I have to start doing more things on my own.

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Risk/benefit

It turns out that Virgil doesn't know much about herpes either. We spend some time reading about Valtrex, the drug Tim buys on the internet because they don't prescribe it here. With remarkable restraint, the official website says: 'Living with genital herpes can be a hassle. When you have a herpes outbreak, it can feel like it takes days out of your life.' Tim's herpes is on the end of his cock and it's taking longer to clear up than he'd thought it would. Not that he's had many outbreaks so it's probably just longer than he'd hoped.

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