Sunday, 25 July 2010

Second Thoughts and Dutch Caps

I'm having second thoughts about the new vibrator but I haven't told Virgil yet. After all, it cost £100.

The issue is this: once the bigger end of Ina is inside my cunt and the little end over my clit, the pressure between the two is considerable. My pubic bone is in a vice and my clit is squashed flat. I have to use my other hand to keep the two prongs apart. I explore the mechanism, pushing the prongs as far apart as they will go. I hope that by doing this repeatedly it will loosen up. I wonder if I have an unusually large pubic bone.

When I was about 20 I was told that I had an unusually long cervix. I was getting fitted for a diaphragm during a period of contraceptive experimentation.

I met Suzanne Portnoy recently and she reminisced about her trusty old diaphragm. I was surprised to hear that a diaphragm could be the contraceptive of choice for anyone. Anyone who complains about the fiddliness of condoms should be told how awful diaphragms are.

Mine was like a latex dome with a spring-loaded rim, about three inches across. You had to pinch it in half between your finger and thumb to insert it. When it was inside you, you let it go and it sprang open. I could have coped, except that the whole of the outside of the dome had first to be smeared with slippery, foul-tasting spermicidal gel. This made inserting the thing almost impossible. When folded in half, it was just as likely to fly across the room as into my cunt, and the gel inevitably went everywhere so you could forget about oral sex after that.

Diaphragms, or Dutch Caps as they used to be called for some reason, are an old-fashioned kind of contraceptive. They make me think of 1960s and '70s girls in baby doll nighties dashing off to fix themselves up before having missionary-position sex between nylon sheets. Prawn cocktails were on the menu, cunnilingus was probably not.

After several bouts of cystitis caused by it rubbing against my bladder I threw the thing away and used condoms. Eventually I think I went on the pill. At least I didn't get pregnant on the diaphragm though; that was with the IUD.

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