Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Sadly There Is No Such Thing As A Safe Adventure

I'm thinking about the contradiction between my desire for novelty, adventures and growth and my fear of losing Virgil and being lonely and sad. Risk versus safety. There's nothing original in here and it's not particularly clever either, but I am talking through my own hat and not someone else's.

Take extreme sport: occasionally someone gets unlucky but nobody expects to die white water rafting. Would you knowingly risk your life to bounce at the end of a rubber band over a car park? I never have, but not because of the perceived risk. Actually, take TOURISM. Tourists like to feel as though they're having a lovely adventure, exploring and doing exciting things - like going on a trek and exploring exotic locales - but most so-called independent travellers don't want to be in real danger. Off the beaten track? Only with a guide and someone to carry their bags.

I have never asked Virgil whether he needs security. I don't know what his answer would be. I believe he is fearless in that regard, or at least philosophical. He has always described falling in love as a risk one takes. I have had moments of insecurity in this relationship and at times I question whether our relationship will last. Maybe we will pull in different directions and not be able to be happy together. It is more likely to be that than a lack of love.

There is no beaten track to stick to in a relationship, just the certain knowledge that by not taking a few risks you have only a stultifying, claustrophobic deadlock to look forward to. Who wants that?

The truth is that I really love the idea of spending the rest of my life with Virgil (or A.N. individual). As long as we were happy what could be nicer? I love being in love. My first love was unrequited and sad. It took 20 years to properly fall in love again. How many true loves can a person have in their life?

My parents loved each other. I don't think there was ever a question of them splitting up and, if my dad had not died I believe with certainty that they would be together now. My mum did tell me once that there were occasions when she thought she'd made an awful mistake. Then she said that all relationships go through times when you could split up. The relationships that endure do so because the people in them have committed to sorting out their differences.

I'm not advocating people staying together in misery, mutual incomprehension and dissatisfaction. It just bothers me in a really childish way that so many relationships - probably most of the people I know - seem to end after a few years.

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