Saturday, 28 July 2012

An awful terrible day

It's a real shame but when one thing goes badly wrong other things get affected. Life leaks. There's a constant soundtrack in my head of what I need to say to Luz about the flat. I don't want to be there. Virgil is sick of hearing about it but I can't switch it off. I have started to want to sleep at his simply because I don't want to be at home.

Virgil doesn't want to sleep at mine because Luz rearranges furniture overhead in the middle of the night and cooks early hours meals at high volume. I don't want to cook dinner for Virgil at mine because it smells of dog wee, the kitchen is dirty and chaotic and when I am there I basically live in my small bedroom. There are usually people staying over, sleeping on the vile sofas Luz bought.

This is not good. This makes me fear living with other people. This morning, a massive meltdown with Virgil where he asks me to leave and I cannot because I cannot bear to go home while Luz's friends are there (they've left now) and then I'm crying too hard to go out in the street. I'm premenstrual and emotionally exhausted. It's humiliating and crazy. I am beside myself.

Eventually I pull myself together and go to work. I spend the day looking at my budget and flatshare sites. Colleagues kindly ignore my red eyes and indifferent performance. Around 7.30 Virgil emails. He writes that as I recently asked him to let me know when he has arranged to see Sarah he wants to let me know that he is going on a date with her tonight.

"I am utterly bewildered." I reply. "On a day when things between us are so fraught and you have seen me have hysterics, that you should interrupt me at such as busy time to tell me this is completely beyond me. Have a fucking fantastic time."

Then I write a bitter Facebook status update which I delete after one minute.

"Things cannot get any worse than this," I tell myself hopefully. "You will fix this. It will just take a bit of time."

Why should Virgil be able to tell me to get out of his flat and then go on a date with Sarah when I have a home I cannot bear to be in and my life is in turmoil? It feels so miserably unfair. I think: "I will not see Virgil again until my life is back under my control and I am happy where I am living. I will not go to his flat because I don't want to be at home. I will not make him responsible for my happiness but I do, of course, want to PUNISH HIM for my unhappiness because that is how very small and mean I feel." I think terrible thoughts about Virgil and type angrily.

I think about going home tonight after work and fervently hope that Luz will not be there or that if she is that she will be quiet. And have cleaned up her dog's shit. I wonder if Virgil is fucking Sarah and lots of bad thoughts associated with that.

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