Sunday, 29 July 2012

Quiet

Calm and quiet. Luz was home when I got back last night and we talked a bit, calmed the tension, promised to talk on Monday and sort things out. This morning I'm the only one up so I clean and tidy until I feel better. Virgil emails wanting to talk about shared work projects and suggesting meeting up later when he has finished his work.

I email back that we both need space so he should do his work and I'll be in touch when I'm feeling calmer and happier in my living situation. I can't remember exactly what I wrote because I deleted the email afterward. It's my new strategy. Later on I check in the sent items folder to see if the message is there but it's gone. I wanted to see if my tone was over-dramatic. Maybe it was. I said that I hated the dynamic between us and I couldn't be in a relationship like that. I'm sure he agrees.

Some days you just can't get away from the sad feelings. I know how unreasonable it is to feel bad that Virgil is seeing Sarah while I feel like this but I still feel it. My life is not his responsibility. When I feel like this I don't seem to be able to benefit from his support. I wish I could but I just get angry and resentful. I'm proud and undignified in turn: refusing to see him if I suspect duty comes into it but at other times collapsing in tears, leaving, then coming back because I can't control my crying and don't want to cry in the street. It's impossible. I hate myself and I don't want to be pitied.

I don't want to see Virgil but I feel very sad. Instead I arrange to see friends later. I need to have a life outside my relationship and my crap work and living situations. Rain spatters on the window and the corrugated roof. A cup of coffee doesn't even lift my spirits. I feel exhausted, wrung out.

1 comment:

  1. Grrr. Git some followers, girly, and meet me Upstairs for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy for many eons celebrating our resurrection. I love you. Why? I don't even know you! True, true. But, yet, isn't every woman gorgeous in the Great Beyond?? Thot so, silly. Looking forward to it where I can kiss your wonderfull, adorable feets. Yummm.

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