Saturday, 12 December 2009

A Period Drama

We have been invited to a sex party. The hosts are a threesome. Their Facebook profiles say young, attractive and professional. The communication has been funny and friendly, first on the swingers site, then by Facebook and finally this morning I was drinking coffee and checking my email when a chat window popped up and it was Agnes, one of the women, saying hello. After a text chat with her I felt much more inclined to go and truly interested in meeting them and their friends.

Somehow the anonymity of a larger party is less threatening. But I think the smaller group would be sexier and the quality of the guests more certain. I had been anxious about the enforced intimacy of the situation, of being trapped (I messaged to Virgil after) with braying dunces. He suggested there should be an app for detecting braying dunces and I told him that after he'd finished writing our Christmas number one he could invent one.

My period is due the same day as the party. It's both a drag and a useful get-out card to explain deciding not to go. We haven't decided yet, anyway. On one hand, this circling around other couples on the internet feels slow, boring, ineffectual. The days when I rushed home to check for messages on my singles profile ended long ago, not long after meeting Virgil, who was my last conquest on that site (I was his first). Then again, to go to a sex party knowing that one isn't going to be able to do whatever one wants could present its own difficulties.

I'm a mixture of apprehensive and impatient. Part of my impatience with this situation comes from a sense that Virgil and I need to keep growing in our relationship, pushing boundaries and testing the strength of our attachment and suitability. I don't want to settle into complacency. It's too soon for that. I want to see how far we can go. I love him very deeply. I have never loved someone in the way that I love Virgil.

We agreed at the beginning that there would be space for other sexual partners in our relationship but that was some time ago now. At first the intensity of our discovering each other left no time or energy for that. Now acting on it will be part of how we evolve. I have never tried to share someone and let them go in this way.

It is, finally, the link to the last paragraph. I'm unsure about going to a sex party without being able to fully participate. I might get jealous or upset. It would limit Virgil in what he could do. We need to discuss this. Unfortunately we are both working evenings this week, and they are different evenings. I'm doing graveyard shifts at the scandalous rag. He's interviewing people on the telephone in America.

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