Sunday, 1 April 2012


I meet up with a very old friend and her daughter. I am apprehensive almost to the point of cancelling. Andrea and I were teenage best buddies but she's really hard work these days. She rarely comes to the city and swears she no longer feels safe. Andrea jokes relentlessly about how her family drive her mad and confound her. She just can't seem to say anything positive or pleasant. I want to say: Well if you really feel like you're such a martyr to everyone that's a problem. What I say is: Why don't you change what you do?

Andrea has many reasons for why she can't change anything. She also tells me that she has cut everyone out of her life who brings negativity into it because 'she doesn't need that'. Of course not, she provides generously for herself. I think I must have shot her a look of sheer incredulity. She looks embarrassed and we change the subject. I do feel sorry for her; she makes me feel free. I remember that I don't have kids to look after. I live with a partner who, while he might be domestically dyspraxic, at least doesn't think of cleaning and cooking as women's work.

At ever-increasing intervals I zip Sarah into a cocoon and blast her behind me to my lower right side. I remember how I first became aware of her. It was on the way home from a week away with Virgil last summer during which he had been miserable company. Driving using his phone as a satnav device, I looked up automatically at the text alert, only to see: "Sarah 'OkCupid' Smith" appear on the screen in my top left quadrant of vision.

Aha! I think, This must surely explain why I have experienced Sarah as such an intrusion and why it is proving so difficult to get her out of my head.

I feel more positive than I have for some time. At least, I feel more on top of this, although still scared. I decided recently that, while I abhor the idea of trolling around for dates on OkCupid, I would be interested in some regular BDSM play. Unfortunately good d/s playmates seem to be even harder to come by than the regular kind but at least this idea sparks my imagination.

After our last attempt I see that kink between Virgil and me is, for now, not a good idea. I have been sad about this but I'm also actually rather into the idea of playing with someone who's better at it. Virgil is lazy, technically. I don't think he ever spent more than a few minutes learning to tie knots so he can't do proper bondage. I just don't think he cares enough about beatings to learn how to give a really good, prolongued, high-inducing one.

With this in mind I email my one and only lead to see if he might be available to meet for a coffee. Z is a dominant who I had some email contact with last year. I found him on OkCupid because we have an amazing 95% compatibility or something but I won't hold that against him.

I have seen one photograph of Brian. It's pretty blurry. What this means is that he is not handsome and knows it. Ugly men all fudge it with their photographs. Brian has a totally bald head and a dark beard and eyebrows. His body looks ok though. I think he's worth meeting because for what I have in mind sexual attraction is not the most important thing.

Brian writes back to say that he is available and would very much like to meet for coffee. I swallow the temptation to sneak around and tell Virgil what I have done. He immediately tells me off for sneaking around and breaking the terms of our break agreement.

I say, But you told me on several occasions that you would be happy for me to see other people whenever I wanted and then I said to you quite clearly last week that I had decided to look for a BDSM play partner and you said OK. So I thought I would just find out at least if he might be available. I haven't even made a date with him yet.

Virgil says, I thought you were speaking hypothetically. Is our break finished? I say, NO it's not finished, but we're talking about how to end it. The thing is that you pretty much have someone waiting in the wings (T shakes his head and says, That is just not true). Right now all I have is one fucking email address for someone I have never met and don't hold out much hope for. That is all.

I'm really trying to do this, Virgil, I say. Even though recently has been one of the most difficult times of my life emotionally. I'm really trying to give you what you need, even though it's not what I need right now. You know I have other priorities with work and direction... And I want to help you with that, says Virgil. Let's have a hug. We hug.

So I have a date with Brian on Wednesday and Virgil and I are going to talk more about how to finish our break. Phew. No more head in the sand, Harlot. I want to have some progress to relate to Deirdre when I see her in a few days.

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